Well, it seems yesterday has been a really long day for me. And honestly, I had a certain expectation of how that day was going to go down. I thought that I was going to get my results in the form of a formal feedback sheet when I got back to university, and that there was a good chance that I had either failed or just proven unworthy to keep going on my course. It turns out that I might not receive my grade until the end of this week, or next week, but I am told that I didn’t do too bad, fine enough to pass, but there are many areas that I think that I have to improve in, along with the rest of my class.
Apparently we did fail at one thing though: communication. We failed to evidence any kind of communication in our presentation, and the lecturers suspect not only that most of us don’t get along with each other and don’t like to agree on anything, but that it hinders our work. Strangely enough they think the content we have produced is adequate, but that most of us are not figuring things out or coming up with anything most of the time, and not trying to understand for ourselves what the problems are and usually just act on what the lecturers tell us after they tell us what’s going on.
However, my point is I’ve survived the first half of second year and half of my entire course, and it turns out that there’s actually room for improvement. Even though I don’t have my formal marks yet, I can tell that I didn’t get severely low marks and that I wasn’t necessarily terrible. At the least, it’s enough that I feel willing to continue because I feel I can still do so with some semblance of hope for improvement and positive change. That said, I hope I can still maintain the reason for doing game design in the first place, and without it being at the expense of my other interests.
To be honest, my main fear, or rather my main source of anxiety, is not that I will fail as a game designer. Instead, my main source of anxiety pertains to what I see as me being pretty damn sensitive about the way I think things are going to happen. For instance, apart from the worry that I was going to go back to university only to find that I have failed, I also feared that because a train strike I’d be late and that I’d miss a lot of my morning, even though I had informed the lecturers that I’d be late. In general, I feel like I have had a tendency to what one of the lecturers refers to as “making a mountain out of a molehill”. To me, it seems like I might have a tendency to overreact without really thinking about it, and I think I might be a weakness. I have to wonder where this comes from: is it down to me being a sensitive person by nature, or is it simply derived from a lack of knowledge or understanding regarding some circumstances rather than my actual character?
I also worry that I have this insecurity that I’m not as strong of mind, will, and spirit as I like to think I am, might be, or could be, or that I am either not living up to my potential or am just not as capable of doing so as I thought. It’s exactly the sense of doubt and insecurity that one of my aims is to eliminate or conquer. Perhaps that insecurity may also be derived from a lack of knowledge or wisdom pertaining to my potential. Or maybe it comes from the sense of a limitation that I didn’t know I was placing on myself. Or maybe it comes from an attachment towards perceptions I generate pertaining to circumstances, events, and my own potential that may be exaggerated to the point that they may not reflect what’s actually going on (who knows, this might be that thing which gets confused with “ego-attachment” in many circles, with insecurity and wildly generated perceptions mistakenly referred to as the ego, which is really just Latin for what we call the individuated self). Or maybe I’m just not doing enough magick in my lifetime and am missing out on important benefits of doing magick.
I think I’m going to snap at some point. Not in the negative sense though, as in to really lose my sanity and act violently against other people and the world around me for no good reason, but rather in the sense of reaching a point where I just have to act or make a decision regarding my being, my emotions, insecurities, and all that other stuff without looking back in the process. Perhaps it’s the kind of rebirth that my friend Mo referred to only a few days ago. But right now, I feel like I might be at a point of a certain sense of discovery, and hopefully a deep, profound, full-tilted change.