Time for an update

So here’s an update for the blog that I kind of feel like putting out on a number of subjects.

First, and foremost, of all, I have less than a month before the end of my second term for this year at university. That means I have quite a lot to do and increasingly less time to do it in. The deadline for my major project is March 27th, right before my birthday, and both of the reports that I have to write are due on March 31st. So I might be busy. Maybe not busy enough that it’ll stop me from slacking off during weekends, but busy enough that it might make the rest of my schedule pretty stringent, to the point that I will likely put things off in order to emphasize my coursework, because that has to come first. I may, however, plan for some posts to be written in the meantime, because there are still things I’d like write about.

Second, I plan to talk about current events and politics significantly less than I do now, so that I can detach myself from those things. There’s going to some rants that I have waiting in the wings to be released pretty soon, and obviously there are soon-to-be-current events that I think ought to be covered (for instance, given that it is now March, we’re waiting on the Netherlands and later France to cast their votes in general elections), but other than that I want to begin to distance myself from such subject matter beyond the rants I have coming up this month unless a really pressing or important development catches my attention. The reason why I want to do this is because I am sensing that there is the danger that I’m going to become entirely too focused on such subject matter. And I know that we’re living in some wild times right now, so there’s probably a lot of developments that might show up ripe for analysis, deconstruction or just plain savagery or mockery on my part. But I am beginning to think I’m getting caught up, and that’s bad.

Third, once I have enough free time after the end of my current term, or ideally before that, I’d like very much to revisit the drawing board, and return with a post or two about some reflections on Satanism and other philosophies, as well as what probably be a long post about what I consider to authentic Satanic philosophy (particularly on account of the fact that I’ve criticized The Satanic Temple for not observing). Part of me is thinking that I’ve got my eyes off the ball. I mean I’ve got my eye on the ball regarding my coursework, I believe, but sort of away from the ball in other areas. Maybe it’s laziness in some respects if I think about it, but then that’s surely the sign of another malady in itself. I hope I correct it sooner or later if that’s the case.

Some musings on my life, and a little bit on spirituality

Part 2 of Progress will be posted soon, but first there’s something I want to get out there onto the blog.

While walking past the castle in my town and through a local nature reserve, I’ve processed some thoughts in my head. I mentioned on my 4th anniversary post on Tuesday that being self-critical may have often been a source of woes in my life, and I think it’s probably true. I know it sounds weird coming from a Satanist, given that one of the primary tenets of modern Satanism is to basically believe in yourself, but I think that a lot of times I put myself down. The weird thing is, I remember there are times when I think I do feel pretty prideful, even arrogant from time to time, but in my academic life and sometimes personal or social life I actually have a bizarre tendency to feel the opposite. I often think I’m not as good as I ought to be at most things I do, I’m often cautious do a lot in the world of social interactions, it doesn’t help that I procrastinate fairly often, and I think there is still some self-doubt in my life, too much in fact.  If anything, it’s a sure sign that I’m not doing enough in my path. The fact that I have a university course and I’m in my third year probably doesn’t help things. But I also fear I may actually be deluding myself in this regard, especially because I remember, in the context of my academic work, that my lecturers are mostly or at least somewhat satisfied with my work, my fellow students think I’m doing fine and the people who support me via student services think I’m growing quite well. I think it may be one of those things were I have to, somehow, affect my perception of what I’m doing, the value of what I’m doing, perhaps even my personality, and then my behavior will likely change through it.

I talked with this a bit before with support mentors I work with. One of them talked to me about why I don’t like the idea of going out at night and then just staying with my brother, who is staying at the dorms. I wouldn’t do it anyway because I know he wouldn’t let me do it because he insists we keep our academic/social lives separate (he’s worried I might either “steal” some of his friends or make them feel uncomfortable, somehow), and he noticed that I was pretty good at coming up with reasons not to go out. And then I thought, “you know, you might be right”. And I think I still tend to protect myself quite a bit, and maybe it is because of certain fears or worries, which may give rise to delusions about social life, coupled with the fact that I’ve been introverted for the longest time and pretty insular for by and large my entire teenage life. I wanted more than most things to end this, but didn’t bother taking a lot of initiatives or giving myself much in the way of a competent road map for this. I think a lot of it has to do with the fear of a loss of control, and a general distrust of too much personal change that I can’t control. It’s also one of the big reasons why I never drank alcohol, especially in the past – I always suspected that something would go wrong if I started drinking and saw alcohol as both unhealthy and a surefire way to lose oneself.

I remember that in personal interactions with people I know reasonably well enough and get along with well enough, a more exuberant and confident self emerges. When I feel confident enough to do or say something, I can do it, and my personality, or rather that part of it that becomes unguarded by personal protectionism, shines forth. My brother knows this, my support mentors know this, I’m sure my lecturers and some of my friends have an inkling of knowing this and perhaps some of you might know it. In fact, I remember talking about this with The Desolate One, a Luciferian occultist who consider to be something of a spiritual mentor and even a bro of mine – and I mean that in the positive sense. Social media, in cases where I’m anonymously, tends to allow me to escape this, and in my past this hasn’t always been a good thing for a lot of reasons. Nowadays I think not much is accomplished in the end by this escape other than temporarily coping with the fact that I don’t have the life or lifestyle that I truly desire, similar to how pornography can be used by single men (or women) to cope with the either the fact that they have no sexual/romantic partner and are struggling to find one or, increasingly, that they are rejected by the other gender because of the “evils” the other gender has tied to their gender (incidentally, there’ll be more of me talking about that on the next Progress post).

I think that, maybe, part of what spirituality is in this case is to access a state of consciousness that is unfettered by any kind of fears, doubts or delusions for the largest part, even of those things aren’t eliminated from the self (not least without “killing the ego” as is the case in RHP traditions). Perhaps they need not even be eliminated per se, but rather conquered, or mastered. A divine consciousness, in the LHP tradition, would probably be such a spiritual consciousness that stands triumphant over these defeated things, whilst also being aware of a spiritual side of reality whatever that may be. If that’s what a lot spiritual systems, occult or otherwise, intend to do, then I think that’s great.

Four years

In a way, it’s hard for a sane person, and even me in rather lucid moments, to imagine that I’ve been writing for this website for this long. Particularly when, as my friend Satanicviews assured me once, most blogs don’t last much longer than three years. At least that’s what I think anyway. I’m not entirely sure how much longer my blog will last before the time when I stop losing interest in writing for the blog – I know that sounds bleak to some, but don’t act like it would never happen, it just won’t happen now – but there is a part of me that thinks I will keep going for a long time.

In that time, I sometimes reflect back on my older posts and how the blog has developed. I’ve gone through website name changes and design changes for the blog as well. If you’ve followed me for a long time you’ll know that this blog wasn’t always filled to the brim with red and looking classy. And I haven’t been proud of all of my posts. Truth be known I’m often embarrassed by a few of my earlier posts. I think many of them are alright, but some stick out as, from my perspective, exceptionally misguided and lame to the point that I’m sick to death of being reminded of some of them. I’ve even deleted a few of the ones that really got to me. I often wonder why, as my blog grew and my posts became more intelligent (again, at least from my perspective anyway), the newer blog posts don’t get as much appreciation. It’s the unfortunate side of having gone through the process of personally progressing from the mind of a freaking art student – not the worst of my kind, mind you.

Perhaps I am being too self-critical, and maybe that is still a significant source of many of my woes in my personal life, but it’s hard for me to escape the memory of my mistakes, and I have wanted to express that on this blog for some time in fact. Still, I am of the impression that there are some things that haven’t really changed. There is a principle I hold dearly that hasn’t shifted, though aspects of my own worldview have.

As is par for the course for blog anniversary posts, I assume, I want to thank those who have stuck with me for the entire time. I hope you appreciated what I have had to say, and will continue to say, as I do like the opportunity to get my opinions out there even to what I know is a small audience.

Oh and as a final notice, just because on rare occasion I still get the odd comment about this, I will not be changing the “Top 10 gods and goddesses” post, and to be honest I may not produce a follow-up either. It’s a dead horse of a post at this point.

That’s about all I have to say about the fourth anniversary of this blog, being a busy young man and all. For know, my dissertation (if my current assignment can be called as such) beckons.

I hope you enjoy the next year of this blog, my dear infidels.

My agenda

This week, I will return to university to start my third year of academic study. I am told that I don’t actually return to university until Thursday, where there will be a brief induction period getting started into the third year and on October 3rd things get real. Either way, at a certain point in the coming week I will be pursuing academic study once again. Naturally, this means I will probably be posting less often, though I might publish a new post every now and then if I can. But for the foreseeable future I am likely to be very busy with my coursework. My third year of study is going to be much harder than before, because I have to do more work within a shorter space of time.

Meanwhile, my twin brother has moved into the halls before tomorrow he begins his own course at, by coincidence, the same university that I am studying in. That for me has been pretty weird so far considering we’ve lived in the same house for so long. I’ve often argued with him, sometimes well into the night, and I don’t think I’ll miss that part. But it’s not as though I  never liked him as a companion, and we got along very well. I might miss having him around, if only because I think being alone make drive me mad for a while.

More importantly, there is something I have dwelt on recently. I was walking home, and I was thinking about what I have been doing with myself a lot. I felt like I have spent a lot of my life dreaming and thinking about how I want things to be, talking about ambitions and some such. I feel now like I am at a point in my life where a redirection is necessary. I want my agenda to be out becoming, transforming and manifesting, and to do less dreaming and thinking about what I want and how much I want. Action needs to be prioritized in my life path more than it is now, and I need to go in the direction of taking my desires and ideas and actualizing them as much as possible. As I go into an actual career upon completion of my degree, I think I will have to take this direction anyway. There will come a time where I need to get shit done more and think about it less.

The orderly impulse and the need for balance

With just one more week before I return to university and begin my third year of academic study as a game design student, there is something that hit me. I have been on summer break for about four months. That is a lot of time to potentially do nothing – I mean besides write more blog posts, spend time on my guitar and play video games, of course. And there was no plan, no structure to it all. Why would there be? I had way too much time. A fool might even tell me “you have all the time in the world”.

But now I find that I resent this. I had too much time on my hands. I now think that there was basically no order to it. It always weirds me out when I think about how I often say I like “Chaos” at least to a certain degree, and in particular how I used to gas on about it when I was in college and during the early years of this blog. On reflection, I feel reminded how I have what might be called an orderly impulse, or a desire for some order, that exists alongside my more “chaotic” instincts. I guess it might just be then when I’m trying to do some things, like work, I just like having some structure to work with and then run with it. I also have a desire for more control and discipline, and the lack of this has been the cause of some woes. Part of me thinks it might actually have something to do with being autistic, due to one of the things typically associated with people on the autistic spectrum is a tendency to prefer predictability, structure and order. But then how come I always tend to favor freedom at least when talking about my views, or my worldview. I tend to think that people should generally be free to make their own choices and follow their own inclinations (at least without causing harm to other people), and I always thought that putting order above freedom made such a thing impossible.

Point is, as I may have written about before, actually, the part of myself that wants some kind of order and structure is there. At the very least, the discussions I had with student support on the matter were a good reminder of that, and of balance because I also know that certain impulses or desires, or even values, I would think of as “chaotic” are still there, and still a big part of who I am. This is probably why Luciferianism appeals to me, if I think about it – because both of what we call order and chaos are very much viewed as part of the self , if not generally seen as two sides of the same coin. It’s also why I put Varuna on the “deities” list (speaking of which, I should really think about deities vs deific masks at some point, perhaps after reading enough of Michael W. Ford’s literature).

At any rate, I should stress that I’m not the kind of person who prefers order for order’s sake. In fact, if you forced me to chose between a totalitarian state and either rebellion or living in the wilderness, I would probably pick the either of the latter two. But in life that dichotomy is usually not present, particularly not in the Western society in which I live – at least for now.

Big plans

My spring holidays are over, and the next two weeks will be devoted to my university hand-ins and presentations. This will go on until April 29th, when all but one of my hand-ins are due. After that, in May, we’re basically getting ready for our third year of university. We’ll be discovering the results of all our hard work and planning, we’ll eventually see what projects we’ll be pursuing in the next year as well beginning research for our future dissertations. From May until September, I will have a lot of plans.

I want to take more time studying the occult and then have a proper ritual, whatever that ritual turns out to be. I’ve also got other books, books about Japanese culture, that I want to study so I can apply that knowledge to both spiritual and worldly aims. I want to push harder with guitar practice, I think I’ve been slacking and I fear I won’t do anything with it for the next two weeks because of the imminent deadlines and presentations. I want to restart my former exercise regime and attain some physical strength. Hey, maybe on the blog itself I’ll get to write more about Eastern culture and news. I remember writing a share about stuff from Japan and other Asian countries on the blog in the past, so it’d be nice to get into that subject more again, to the point that subsequent Mythological Spotlights will also focus on Eastern culture for a while.

With all hope, I’ll get through the second year with flying colors so to speak, and May-September will be a fun and productive period of time.

The Horned God, the Goddess, and the season of the ram

It’s the vernal equinox again. No, I don’t care to celebrate to Easter this month, though come to think of it it’s a weird coincidence that this year’s Easter Monday is the same day as my upcoming 22nd birthday – March 28th. It only seems to come natural that I’d still be thinking of the ram – the animal of my sun sign Aries, the solar Amun-Ra, the vehicle of Agni’s fire, the symbol of spring, the sun, fertility, creativity, and war.

I’d encountered at a gift shop an image of an Egyptian ram-headed deity facing an Egyptian goddess, and it put an image of that ram archetype meeting his goddess, and in a way the possibility of me meeting mine in the future if you know what I mean. I also thought about the Horned God and the Goddess and their union in much the way that Thomas LeRoy described it in a video he uploaded before New Year’s Day this year.

It’s quite the coincidence these thoughts come together, for me at least. But it seems kind of natural. I think of my sign in a different way to how I might have thought about it way back, when I seemed to want. But maybe it’s an important facet of the personal fire, and my spirit, or the reminder of such things.

Show me the Fire by MachiavelliCro on Deviantart