Lust, fear, mortification, and shame

Yesterday for me has been in a small way a day of personal shame, and of renewal. Last month I began to develop a worry that indulging in a personal pleasure (you know the kind I mean, I just prefer to be discreet) would hamper me feeling attracted to people in real life. Since then I thought of temporarily abstaining for a while, but it has not been working. All it did was make me feel anxious and want release even more. And eventually I learned that I was wrong, that there was no evidence of my worry being valid.

When I looked back, I remembered that I had one or two crushes, and before that I still indulged regularly (not all the time though), so apparently it didn’t affect anything and I worried about my normal habits for nothing. I felt ashamed that I was effectively mortifying myself for nothing, all because of the fear that sometimes overcomes me, a fear of what might happen to me in the future and how things might turn out for me.

I felt such shame for that near-betrayal, and gratitude for the guy who answered my questions, that now I feel back in my ways, safe in the knowledge that I don’t really have an addictive personality anyway, and in my realization of my mistake.

A new perspective regarding lust, and some advice

There’s nothing really wrong with lust, and I certainly support the right of humans to experience gratification of their bodily desires so long as there’s no element of coercion involved, but be careful in how you deal with lustful thoughts and urges, or else you might find yourself humiliated and in shame, and even if you aren’t found humiliated in the presence of others, you may feel a deep sense of personal foolishness.

You see, sex is such a huge part of existence as humans, but we as humans often handle our desires badly. This is especially true for young people without a lot of experience or wisdom, they are particularly open to making a fools of themselves because they only think of lust. My latest perspective recognizes this only more so and encourages caution without repression of one’s desires.

And now I’d like to dish out some advice, hopefully without sounding too paternal, and keep in mind this is mostly aimed at guys who lust for the opposite sex but there are lessons that can be applied for everyone else:

  1. Never let sex appeal sell into blindly doing just anything. It’s no myth that sex sells, and this is especially true for young men, and young men can fall for a lot if you sell it them with the image of a pretty young lady. Those urges you’re feeling are perfectly normal and natural, but for hell’s sake don’t make an ass of yourself with them.
  2. Be aware that because sex sells, companies and media can use that to brainwash you, or more or less you can lead yourself to brainwash yourself. In any case, do not let your urges get in the way of clear and careful thinking, and do not fall into a herd just because they sell herd conformity to you through sex.
  3. Don’t ever assume “sexy” is a type. It’s all a matter of taste. For guys who like girls, there are many kinds of girls who can be physically attractive, but that is not all there is. In fact, if there are many kinds of girls who can have what you find to be an attractive body, then it doesn’t really matter a lot when it comes to a relationship. I mean don’t get me wrong sex is important, but it ain’t all there is.
  4. Don’t feel guilty, but don’t act like a total idiot or a total asshole either. This gets you nowhere and people may either take you less seriously or hate you more, and even if you don’t care, it won’t get you any closer to spending your days with any significant other.
  5. If you’re young, then try to talk to someone about your urges if you feel lost. It could be a friend, a teacher, or your parents or family, just don’t leave yourself in the dark. You can find information on the Internet, sure, but only a real discussion about sex and urges can helps seem clear in your mind and give you wisdom.

Lust, love, relationships, depression, and angst

Yesterday I’ve been feeling very sad, and I even cried a little, while doing some retrospective editing on the blog. I was thinking about lust and love, my past and present attitudes towards them, how no one taught me anything when I became a teenager, and how I have had not fulfilled my desires (love included). It all made me feel depressed for a while, for many reasons.

I thought about how things in the past were influencing foolish ideas in me and casanova fantasies, despite that all I really wanted was a girlfriend who would accept me for who I am, support me, and help me fulfil my desires, and whom I would love back for all of that. When I was younger I was being conditioned and kept in a bubble against the more mature and darker aspects of the world that I would now glamorize. This also meant a kind of artificially created naivety regarding sex that came from the bubble, and when my mom tried to teach me anything when I was 13-14, I was a scared off and my mom gave up on me. In high school we only got one sex education class, and whatever lessons it offered were never reinforced. Don’t be confused, I know the score, but no thanks to the people around me who were supposed to teach me when I was becoming a teenager. Anyways, not one person taught me anything substantial about relationships back when I could have needed it when I was 13-16 years old. Don’t people know that you’re supposed to talk to young people about these things, and in a frank and open manner? Of course in recent years I’ve been learning about handling relationships (no thanks to my parents, school, or TV), but this is because I have friends who I can trust. Can you imagine how things would be for me if I learned from family at a younger age and they hadn’t given up on me?

Reflecting on it, I felt like my suffering was really the fault of the environment I was in, the bubble they were raising around me, and the attitudes towards sex present in the society I live in, which were either prudish, stuck-up, nervous, preachy, or condescending (or at least that’s how I felt, but even today I don’t trust society’s attitudes). I felt like my anguish and loneliness what not have been there if it weren’t for that. But then, I can’t put all the blame on the outside world and people around me. After all, in this case, there’s plenty of the blame that rests with myself. I mean think about it: when I was 13-14 years old, I was reclusive, I hardly trusted anyone around me, much less people in general. I wanted most people to leave me alone (though I didn’t have that attitude towards immediate classmates). I was wary of people’s obnoxiousness a lot, and was put off by other guys being obnoxious and seemingly thick-headed and oafish or brutish. I could tell I was nothing like them nor did I want to be that way.. I trusted my parents and family members even less (except for my brother with whom I was still usually friends with), same with most grown-ups. I just wanted to be in my own world and be happy there, and I felt like everyone was trying to drag me out of it for no good reason. To me it seemed like the adults who tried to help me were always so forceful and chaperone-ish, even if for all I knew they probably weren’t (or at least didn’t try to be that way). Who I am as you know it may have found its way to the outside world, but I think I was only comfortable expressing it at home or with a few trusting people. And of course, only a few people understood my feelings or even cared. And of course, I was pretty susceptible to either foolish ideas or foolish interpretations of good ideas, that or I just didn’t think on the same level of what we might call maturity as I do now. Thank gods I didn’t actually get to the point where I’d be breaking hearts everywhere I went.

The entire picture made be pretty damn depressed yesterday, thinking about how I and the world around me ruined things for me them by keeping me in the dark and by me staying reclusive and private, and how lack of education and openness about the things that really mattered to me as a young person (and still matter today) has scarred me personally. Now these scars might be healing, or if not they will soon, I still keep a youthful spirit or try to do so, I still have my lust, and as I keep saying a million times, I still support casual sex, lustful desires, sexual permissiveness and people’s right to choose their lifestyles, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in that time about these things and I don’t reckon I’ll be thinking about them the same way.

And by the way, let the word be be known: sex education is important for young people, no doubt about it, and don’t give up on them, otherwise they end up as ignorant wrecks, and they may not regret it immediately, but they will soon. We as people must never forget to teach our youth that sex and lust aren’t evil, and how to handle sex, love, and relationships.

Promiscuity

The idea of being a rascal may appeal to both lust and a fondness of female company, and because of this I have often fantasized about it. But these days it seems to me like little more than a delightful fantasy, although maybe a little less delightful and less of a satisfying feeling. Why? Because the fantasy does not relate to my experiences, or even my desires.

Think about it, if I want love from a person, and that person could offer all that I could ever want, then what’s the point of desiring to have the same luck a rock star might get? Come to think of it, that could of fortune is tantalizing and fun but it doesn’t relate to my feelings, my fortune, or a bottom line of mine. As of late, the life embodied by the Charlie Sheens of the world seems unworthy, beyond my reality, and useless in the face of actual love, and above all, after review regarding my own character, actually unlike my own character. I can be lustful, sure, but I have many characteristics that the womanizer doesn’t have. For starters I’m not suave, I have no interest in solely the material, and I’m capable of seeing that there is all manner of lust that can be fulfilled with only one partner. And what would it be worth if all you’d do is give everyone the false image that you see women as objects to be use, and to top it of you’d never be able to convince anyone to shake that off of people and convince them you actually see them as people. Besides, it’s all too complicated. Wouldn’t a good relationship be simple?

And say you were a lethario? How are you sure anyone would care about your actual personality and what you had to say about the world? Only someone who loves you and you actually love would care, and good luck finding that while being devious. That’s another thing: think about the word devious for a minute. It out and out implies underhandedness towards women, and my entire life I’ve hated that.

I would still support sexual permissiveness, freedom of choice of lifestyle, and openness and open-mindedness in our social culture, but here I talk about personal fantasies, desires, and what would actually work for me.

My darkness

As I’ve noticed, the kind of darkness I usually have manifests in three different ways:

  1. The Devilish: Self-explanatory, an interest in devilish forces; though actually mostly moral in its initial motive (including my acceptance of Satanism as a philosophy), there is just something about the devilish, demonic, and the occult, though not in the horror sense, that simply does not deserve to be passed up by me.
  2. The Cynical: Cynical as opposed to nihilistic. For instance, I am not very trustful of the world at large. There are people I know and trust and am friends with, but I don’t fully trust mankind as a whole. I don’t trust most of the world to not to judge me, annoy me, pry at me, be obnoxious towards me, do stupid things, or worse. Say what you will, but that’s been there since I was about 13 or something. Also, as a cynical person I tend to be more rejecting of popular culture and more disinterested in most of what most people like.
  3. The Carnal: May actually relate to the devilish in a strange way, but also the divine, there’s no denying that I value the animalistic and the carnal, and thus it radiates from me.

I should also mention the aggressive, but I don’t feel it is entirely dark.

Not to mention, I like to apply this darkness in a righteous manner along side enjoying two of these darkness for its sake. I suppose these ideas of darkness, and the idea of them being used in a righteous manner, is heavily appealing to me, which is part of why I embrace things like Satanism, the Left Hand Path, and in a way paganism (which I associate with that dark draw).

My darkness is never wintery, never evil or horrific, and usually not passive.

A contradiction of personality? Not really.

My brother seems to think of me as quite moralistic, but at the same time he thinks of me as perverted, but at the same time rather violent in mind (the third part in reaction to my ideas of righteousness, justice, and revenge). To be honest, he’s right about all three in a way. I tend be sexual in some way, I prize the carnal side of me and the lustful bellows of my soul, but I also have a sense of morality and righteousness, in a fiery kind of way, and this sense of justice tends to manifest in aggressive or passionate ways in terms of my ideas of justice.

Thinking about it, these seem like things that are bound to contradict each other. However, I don’t think they need to be. One may have a high sense of righteousness or morality, but that doesn’t necessarily make you a prude unless your sense of morals is based on sexual prudishness or self-denial, or if your morality or code of ethics is based on these things. I just don’t see a reason why one cannot have a particular sense of or emphasis on one’s ethical code while also being very sexual and carnal as long as your code of ethics allows for it. Hell, you can be very sexual and still have a sense of what isn’t OK. You can still have standards.

Some short musings on the life of the rascal

While I still support lust and sexual liberalism, there are some times when I feel, there are things I only really do for one person, and that it’s very stupid to ignore that. And I can’t help but wonder, how does one be a rascal and still think such special things of only one person?

Maybe being lustful on its own is different to being a rascal, and maybe having lustful thoughts about women is different to having feelings of love for someone, and if that’s true, then someone can love you for your lustful self as long as you only really love her and don’t flirt. And if that’s true, maybe there’s really no need to act like a rascal, though one can still be a gentleman towards the ladies.