Three days ago, something happened during the afternoon, in my mind which would trouble and affect me deeply.
I was walking by and I saw this girl who was at her phone, and it seemed she was in a very sad and tearful mood, as though something was deeply troubling her. Some time later, while sitting in class, she reappeared walking behind my seat to approach a class mate of mine. It was then that she hugged him, and the two walked out of the room. After a few minutes I left the room briefly to put away some resources I no longer needed, it was then that I bumped into the same two again, though not approaching them. I overheard the girl mention to him about “same old excuses” and telling him to “grow up”, and that’s when it came to me that this was an argument (though not really a vicious one) between the two about their relationship. I swerved away from them to avoid feeling like I was prying into their personal lives, thankfully under a convenient pretext regarding academic finance, but when I arrived at the studio I found them again, and it seemed the same thing was going on. After going about my business in the studio, I stopped and I began to worry in a negative manner, is that my future?
After seeing the two I began to worry. I had remembered that the same girl came to me some time before trying to tell me that the same class mate of mine had been cheating on her, and how he told her that he loved her, would stick by her, and wanted to marry her, only for him to go and have sex with another girl (unfortunately I was unable to console her in any way), followed by a seemingly generic comment on how men are all the same (with the implied connotation of them all being pigs). With the memory of my classmates relationship, and him cheating on her and hurting her, and then arguing with her (probably in vain), there came to me the disturbing fear that eventually I might next in line for the slaughter. For some reason, I began to fear I may end up doing the same things as him in a future relationship. I began to fear and ask myself, is this my future? To fall in love with a girl and start a relationship with her, only to hurt her, beg for forgiveness, and have to justify myself on a certain or constant basis?
Immediately I thought “I don’t want that kind of future”, but at the same time I worried about what exactly I wanted. I still want love in life, and am still attracted to the idea of someone to spend my days with in bliss before I get old and eventually pass away, someone I’ll be exactly as I am and want with, someone who won’t dominate me at every turn within a relationship, but at the same time I wonder not merely if I’ll ever find that someone, but just I’d end up doing, worrying that it will play out or end the same way, and that I may end up doing some begging or grovelling just for that awesome experience of love and devotion. And though I certainly don’t intend to get married, you don’t need marriage to love someone or prove that love, just as much as you don’t need marriage to screw up a relationship or get screwed yourself and feel the same way afterwards. Then you have the whole “how am I going to raise a family and kids without being as a coercive figure and being the same as everyone else is as a parent?”, which plagues me in the same way as the question of how am I going to survive the realm of relationships while avoiding the same ideas and patterns as the majority, avoiding betraying myself, or ending up with the same people I have no interest in? Still consistent is the memory of love making me do stupid things, and the instinctive worry that it will or could happen again.
Often times I think I might be better off just shaking off love in favor of an endless pursuit of lustful encounters till I die, and without the dishonesty and shallowness employed by the likes of, say, Charlie Harper, but what fruits would that bring besides constant carnal gratification, and would I really have any hope of grasping that life? And what would it be worth anyway? I don’t know, and for all I know I am doomed not to know for absolute certainty.
Whenever I see two young people in a real relationship of love I feel kinda sad and jealous, and when I see or feel it fall apart I begin the fear the same will inevitably happen to me, and I feel in my soul that I can’t just blindly accept that, go with the flow, and accept whatever happens as though I never thought about anything to begin with. The alternative, a less deceptive incarnation of Charlie Harper’s life style, would seem just fine until I start to find it deeply unfulfilling or start hurting women, which is not honourable for me to do.
You may be reading this and thinking I present no real hope for myself, or even yourself if you’re in a similar situation, but I don’t think of myself as completely pessimistic. I have an idea of what want, or hope for to be more apt, but I worry for how it would unfold for me in this world. Maybe that makes me pessimistic, but I’m not absolutely pessimistic. The only thing that might separate me from the average seeker of love is that I’m thinking, I’m processing thoughts, I’m trying not to be a dope about it, I’m trying not to succumb to the same failure and misery. I don’t want to enter into something where I end up a slave only to be chewed out, but at the same time I want something really wonderful that I’ve wanted for what feels like my whole life.