Some time last year I started watching Styxhexenhammer666, and one of his videos that I took a liking to was his video titled Be Not Afraid. The basic message of the video, as he sums up, is not to take life so seriously. Sometimes I feel as though I am too conscientious in my actions, and university really tends to bring this out in me. I still have yet to truly get past the fear of losing control. And, on a somewhat unrelated tangent, there are still moments where the mind is occupied by contemplations of eternity, and the existential dread that follows it.
Yet what should I find these days but reasons for either apathy, indifference, laid-backness or serenity?
In university, I find that I’m always getting the work done, even if it’s not at the pace that I’d like, and I’m getting good marks for it. And while others tend to put off the written assignments until later, I spend the duration of a given academic term slowly, but surely, getting the work done. And for me it’s not that I can work without pressure. On the contrary, I would argue that I can feel the pressure to complete even the smallest thing within each milestone, which for me is typically every week, which is no less than the next phase of progression for me. And if I get the master’s degree right, and properly establish the path to a sustainable career, I could go from my university degree to a career in the game’s industry (which in my case seems to involve a lot of creative writing). So while my conscientiousness seems to be doing me good, I could probably do with a more relaxed stance because it seems to me like things are going fine.
In life, I’m approaching a mindset regarding the nature of the world, or at least a mindset to aspire to. Put this way: you have no way of knowing what lies in wait for you once the maws of death drag you out of your mortal coil. The only thing I’m certain of it’s probably not the kinds of heavens and hells we thought of thousands of years ago. I find no sensible reason to think we live in a simulation, but even if we do what makes us think we’re going to get out of it? What makes us think we’re going to transcend The World (as people of a Gnostic mindset might think)? There’s the world/cosmos you live in, all things bright and shit, and for all you know the abyss at the end of it, maybe a pagan underworld if you’re lucky, goodness forbid reincarnation turns out to be true. You probably don’t even have as much certainty about the reality you live in as you would like to believe. But what’s the point of thinking about it other than, maybe, try to desensitize the psyche to the inevitable existential dread that arrives on your doorstep now and then? So just go with the flow. Or perhaps, go with your flow. Just focus on living your life for yourself, as I have believed things should be, pursue your worldly goals and, perhaps, find your true will or whatever, and don’t waste too much time dwelling on much else. Look at the world for what it is, which is arguably a kind of Hell, and then get over it somehow. All in all I suppose I can only hope a little alcohol, and some spirituality, actually helps.
And that’s another thing, if I factor that in, how long will it be before I successfully conquer my longstanding fear of losing control. Either that or I find a way to get on top of most things and just make that fear redundant.
I feel it’s worth mentioning politics and political/cultural movements for a bit, because I’ve been paying attention and its another reason for some of this desire to just not care. Ever since the middle of 2016 I’ve been doing some soul-searching in the political department -rethinking the way I actually relate to the political environment in the West and so forth – and I’ve come to understand my place in things a little better. Unfortunately, I’m also bitterly disappointed with almost every movement out there. Most movements today are incompetent, vapid, stupid, pretentious, or worse. Some of them are actively morally corrupt, to the point that it’s probably better to be either apolitical or dead rather than join them. The ones I like have also fallen prey to this. I have for instance seen conservatives gain considerable opportunity with the downfall of progressivism, only to waste the wind they have been given obsessing with the culture war and acting like the same old insufferable boomer conservatives I hated before 2016. At this very moment, they’re acting like Donald Trump just saved Christmas simply by being in office this year. Libertarians, the movement that for a long time I loosely identified with, I abandoned because I’ve seen them simply give into madness by embracing anarcho-capitalism at the core of their movement; and the ones who aren’t doing this have decided to either leave libertarianism in favor of the alt-right, or embrace some kind of “libertarian fascism” or “anarcho-monarchism” or some stupid meme ideology concocted by the far-right to salvage some sense libertarian identity that can be cohabited with their reactionary and racialist tendencies. I won’t even get into the situation the Libertarian Party of America is in (except, perhaps, in a separate post). And liberals? They have almost no intention of reform outside of online circles, wherein this is limited to the laziness I have seen from the “skeptic community”, which has degenerated in a cesspit of pointless drama and a race to pwn their opponents. What’s worse, I find out that even people like Jordan Peterson (who despite his Christian leanings I did have some respect for), after spending so much time explicating the importance of freedom of speech (which I agree with him on), barred a former Rebel Media journalist named Faith Goldy from attending a free speech event because, of all reasons, she was just “too hot for us” – this, coming from the man who was already a walking controversy over the Bill C-16 issue. No one in my view who has looked at this development can judge it as anything other than pathetic.
Oh and don’t forget the actual political situation we’re dealing with; particularly here in the UK where my government seems intent on half-baking the whole leaving the European Union thing, or in America where every god damn minute is spent dreaming of some bullshit way of getting Trump out of office while the revolution proves a little more underwhelming than anticipated, or in Europe, especially Germany where they apparently can’t even form a government.
In short, politics is a clusterfuck. A clusterfuck that, to me, is destined to drive any sane person into the arms of nihilism (a fact that nearly all of the people who cry about Man’s descent into nihilism dare not concede). And that’s not getting into all the conspiracy theories I’ve had to put up with, which, frankly, it’s better that we don’t touch on.
So to cap it all off: yes, I feel like I’ve seen a lot that is convincing me to care less and less. I just hope I follow through with that mentality, shed some of my attachment to all of this, and stop taking life seriously entirely. Then, maybe then, the beauty of chaos can flow through and truly be appreciated, and life can make enough sense for it to be a rapture in spite of all things bright and shit.