Yes, I’m back from my holiday (sorry it took so long to right this post by the way). I was in Italy for a week with my two brothers, my dad, and his partner (who is not my mother) and her daughter (who is also unrelated and 11 years younger than me), and as you might expect I am writing about the experience on this blog. The first three posts I will write are a three-part series of posts about my week there spanning today, tomorrow, and Thursday.
While the holiday wasn’t entirely bad (I attended a wedding party that was quite nice, going to the beach was enjoyable for the first time, and I actually had ice cream that turned out to be the best I ever had), I ended up feeling like I didn’t belong in Italy and that I had virtually no connect to my direct family.
My dad in particular seems to have, like most people I bet, left his brain at home for going on this holiday. He seems to me like a very carefree person, but at the same time rather authoritative. Time and time again he thinks he has the right to lead me and my brother on like dogs, he continuously expects us to go along with the usual holiday crap and spend every day in the sea. He also expects me to just deal with whatever incompetence we suffer when it happens, and he always seemed to want to pay for every drink, snack, and ice cream for me when I’m about to purchase individually and not at a restaurant. He seems to think I can’t do anything on my own or just with my brother, and he seems to take advantage of the fact that I’m not good with the language or entirely familiar with the environment. He also seems to think that love and finding a partner is all about picking up girls either by dancing like a fucking idiot at parties or by having a tanned look, and I made it very clear that if a girl went up to me and outright expressed an interest in me just for being tanned I would tell her to piss off because she’s interested in something that’s not me (I just want my skin to be as pale as it is naturally). He also doesn’t care for how I want to look or how it expresses me as a person, he prefers I look fancy and clean for parties. On top of that, his partner just goes along with his ways.
Then there’s my oldest brother, who is also incapable of understanding how I work. I usually find him watching football or sleeping after a party. When I told him I do not want tan, rather than just see that I just don’t want tan, he tries to convince me to keep tan by debasing my musical tastes. He referred to one band I like, Sepultura, and obviously thinks I should tan just because he thinks Max Cavalera (the former lead singer) would encourage it. I never fully expressed it to him, but I found it insulting that he was trying to present a metal band to me as like a sports hero to base oneself on, and I doubt any of those guys would have supported that. The weirdest part is that, like myself, he listens to metal music (though to be honest I’m pretty sure that’s not all he listens to, and a lot of the music I could hear faintly from his earphones sounds like a different plane of metal to what I usually listen to), and he used to listen to a lot of black metal in the past, but I doubt he has the same reverent attitude towards the music. I mean, I don’t doubt his love for the music, but I do doubt that he shares any kind of spirit with it, in the way I find a connect between the metal spirit and my own values. On top of this, he goes with the flow of family and tradition, perhaps because of whatever indulgent festivity can be involved. The fact that during the wedding service I could hear his voice reciting prayers and psalms definitely signifies either that he believes in the Christian faith or just goes with the flow. Either way, it’s a mockery for him to hold any intellectual position higher than mine, him who just goes with the flow, and if he doesn’t actually believe it’s even worse.
I seriously believe that my direct family besides my brother who is the same age as me, and maybe my mother, does not understand my personality, or how I work, or who I try to be everyday. I just want to be a man of freedom and confidence, a man who revels in earthly pleasures while practicing the values of ethicality (basically trying to do what I feel is right), personal honor, and dignity. I believe in a sense of righteousness not defined by religion or conventional morality, but instead defined by an instinct of what is right and also what I feel cannot be allowed be continue. I can be heavy, serious, even negative, but that’s not all of how I am or can be, and I can handle that, at least I take things seriously. Yeah, with the brother I like having around I often make jokes with him, but I like doing that with him and other friends. And I want to find a partner who loves me for me, not for some idea of what I can be. And I don’t think most of my family gets that, but then there’s a lot more of my family out there who I probably don’t mention myself to and probably don’t connect with a lot. I do have a few cousins, and their boyfriends, who have heard me out (I didn’t mention Satanism though) when I explained myself, and they seem to understand me and recognize the positiveness of my values.
That said, being in Italy kinda reminded me of how not connected I am with my family. I can never observe the same traditions as them, and I never seemed to care about the national identities that both sides of my family considered me to be. I know I didn’t mention my sister at all, but that’s because she was never really involved in the holiday. Not that it matters, she’s probably the same.