Starting to get tired….

This is a rant that I saved for when I finished the previous post about an experience I had in university, or rather a rising feeling of exhaustion and disillusionment.

Let me explain: over the past week we were supposed to be designing what’s called an art target, which is a basically a visual representation of what we’re supposed to be design, with all our design work proper being based around that general representation. Towards the end I had received a message from one of my colleagues explaining what we needed in an itemized form, and I run with it thinking “OK, let’s do this”. The next day, we got shitcanned by the program director because the art targets we generated appeared to be bland, flat and uninspired. I wasn’t fully sure what I did wrong at the time, but I didn’t say anything. All the while I just had this feeling of resentment – I followed the advice of my colleague, and we got shitcanned for doing so in my mind, and all I want to do is try and fix that, but every time I come up with something it’s always wrong, apparently, and when I try to help it feels. In addition to this I spent the opportunity, doing almost nothing but drawing some quick sketches on paper in one night, and one Photoshop the morning after, each time trying to perfect my skill at trying to convey something artistically and then I get told it’s not about how well you draw.

So as I designer I’m starting to think I’m always doing the wrong thing, or doing something the wrong way. All the while, when I got told “you’re a gamer, you’ve played games, what is it that you like about them?”, I just didn’t know what to say. And after that, I just felt like such a fraud, and that filled me with a sadness that was difficult to contain. I know everyone else got told the same thing, and it wasn’t just aimed at me, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It didn’t change the fact that I don’t know why I’m even here. My written work is great, I can analyze what I do, and I’m competent in areas such as character rigging and creating environmental assets as well, but I feel like in terms of basic design I feel like I’m just not cut out. Worse, I feel like I’m just taking cues and following instructions! And why? Because other people always project this sense of confidence and knowing what they’re doing, so, logically, it just felt like a matter taking the word of people who I assumed knew better than me. But the people I work with frequently come across such a non-committal bunch non-committal trollops with a blase attitude to the course. I’m there every morning, showing up at exactly the time I’m supposed to show up, while they usually show up later than me and one of them always has a reason not to show up, and they only buckle down and change this as of this week and even then I’m still convinced at least one of them has dedication issues. And when they’re gathering “research” for their designs, it feels like all they do is get from random work that someone did on Deviantart or some shit, while I try to go from real-world sources and recognized fictional media, sometimes including other games if I have to. I try to go out of my way to avoid quoting other games that are like what I’m working on unless I have to because it’s the best way to explain what we’re trying to do. In my mind that’s called, oh I don’t know, fucking originality! As I write this I feel like I’m letting myself get played and I’m thinking “why the fuck am I doing this?”.

But I already know why. Aside from what I said earlier about them projecting a sense of confidence and the appearance that they’re better artists than me (which judging from their actual work seems to be grounded in reality), the game I worked on used to be my project, and then they joined and convinced me that doing things their way might actually make a better game. I submitted a design document back in April 2016 and the next month we had our documents marked and my document was one of two that were judged by the lecturers to be the one being worked with. I was surprised that that happened, because by my money I had done a shoddy job of the document, and I think the target demographic I set for the game may have been a major weakness, having limited a potential audience. In a free market in the actual games industry I probably wouldn’t give a fuck, but in university we have to have a public exhibition for our games and we have to worry about people being repelled by what I might create. So anyways, we then formed groups of three for each project corresponding to each document, and we discussed how we were going to do this. They convinced me to turn the game from a supernatural-oriented beat ’em up into a fantasy oriented beat ’em up, because they thought that would be more accessible. For a while, after discussions, I thought I could still make this kind of unique, preserve some elements from the original idea I had, and make this into something I could get behind. But as time went on and we made it into a simplistic game for virtual reality, that became less and less, until now I’m convinced that this isn’t my game anymore, not since the others joined me in creating it. Now, in terms of design, it feels like their opportunity to do some World of Warcraft wankery.

Because of all that I’m hating the people I work with more than I did before, and from the looks of it I have to work with them until May. I can’t help but wonder if we’ll get into a situation where I say “I hate you”, and one of them says “well I hate you too”, and I say “well I hate you more” and all that bullshit. But then I also remember that part of it is still my fault. My fault for not writing a better design document, my fault for being convinced by them that their way of doing things had merit, my fault for not taking more control. Because of that, I felt less justifiably angry and more like the sense that I was kind of a screw-up who had no business in game design. But I can’t quit now. It’s the second half of third year. What’d be the point? All I can be certain of is once the third year is over and I continue into the Masters portion of the course, I never have to work with them again, even if it means working with only one other person. If I have to work with the same people again, I would resent the prospect. If I have to work on the same game again, which is being talked about, I would resent the prospect. And the main reason I’m continuing is for my own advancement as a technical artist, because the better I do on those terms the better my prospects will be later in life if I get into the industry. I wonder if maybe, just maybe, I’ve discovered the errors tied to pursuing something for your own advancement? Because it’s not as though I’m all in regarding the project I’m working on, particularly if I’m convinced it’s more akin to the project of someone else who hijacked my original idea to make it their own, whilst quoting other games in the process moreso than I could have done, and on purpose no less! And particularly not if I hate the people I have to work with. This is for my own advancement now, and even though being a Satanist I shouldn’t be bothered by that, I am worried that by the end of the project I will wind up being poorer, not richer, for it.

A villain for the weak

I already know that university in the second and third year is going to be a difficult thing to work through, and in my case part of that is because the schedule for completing my project is very tight. Since the beginning of this academic year, which was Monday this week, we have ten weeks of this semester to complete our project, one of which (the week of October 5th) will be interrupted by a special event involving students across various art and design courses coming together in order to make some kind of product. I have learned that whatever plan we make or whatever we set out to create, we have to make sure it’s done before literally the next session of a module. I definitely feel there is a certain severity to what we are going to experience, but this post is not about my attitude towards that severity. It’s about my attitude towards how others within my design team seem to be dealing with it.

Yesterday we had to decide what we were going to do in order to improve a portion of our level, and I decided to create a floor asset before the end of the afternoon lecture. It was easy for me to create, and I handed over the asset to another member of the group so that it could be reviewed by the others and taken into the game itself where the texture we need and already have for it can be applied, and we’d have the asset in the game, but I didn’t hear anything about whether or not the floor asset I created was satisfactory. I sent a message, waited, sent two more and was finally assured that my asset and the message it came with was apparently not read yet. This was bothersome enough until I tried to talk about what I could do next. All I wanted was to discuss what we were doing, and the only one talking to me treated it as though it didn’t matter at all. He said I worried too much, he thought I was asking the group to shepherd me into working instead of having myself use my initiative, and when I told him I have the right reasons to be concerned and that as degree students we should be more committed and more willing to adapt to that one week disrupting our normal routine, he chose to ignore me.

As you can probably imagine, that made me angry, mostly because it feels like he’s just using next week as an excuse not to take the course seriously. He always wants to get me to relax, but I’m not the type to be too relaxed when I know how tight our schedule and I’m trying to get discussion going around for what we as a group do next. He speaks of me being shepherded by the group, but if anything I think it’s HE who needs shepherding because. Honestly, it’s only been six days of the course, and already I’m sick of feeling like I’m the bad guy in a group, when all I’m trying to do is have something to do and make sure we all have a plan for this course. Is it too much to ask that we all discuss our next order of business for our project? And the timing for this is just bitter. This past week it felt like my morale for the game design course has been, for the most part, increasing. The prospect of doing new projects in certain modules has piqued my interest, and I’ve even gotten excited about the prospect working with people, albeit because we’re working with the animation students for one of our modules. Then I go back to being viewed as a nuisance or even a burden because I insist on there being communication about our activity on the course, and every day. All I want is some consistent communication (which to my mind was vital to succeeding in the course) and order, and the only reason I want that is to do well in the course and be able to do what I want to here. Anyone who finds my concerns a burden to me is weak-minded and foolish. It feels like ought to be the tyrant taking the helm, but frankly I feel that sounds below me.

Now I know it’s too soon, but I already feel that if I have to continue dealing with the perception of being an annoying nuisance and feeling like an asshole or doing more harm than good, my morale is just going to die and all that’ll happen is that I’ll give up game design and do an art-oriented course where at least my success will depend entirely on individual progress and I make art or design without ever having to do it collaboratively. But the downside of that is that I feel like I’d be proving that I’m incapable, though I guess if I’m consistently sensitive about group work in design, then maybe game design isn’t for me. I’m not willing to give up the course yet, and I want to prove myself as a competent student, but I still feel that there’s a real danger of morale being killed by dealing with others in the group.