A hard lesson

One of the longest abiding struggles I have had in university was the struggle with my colleagues. Not only have I frequently disagreed with them, but I have also actively resented some of my colleagues a lot for various reasons. Particularly in the team for the game I am working on. My colleagues either attend university infrequently or are frequently late, when they are supposed to show up regularly and in fact they are supposed be there between 9am and 5pm each week day, while I’m the only one who shows up at 9am (in fact I usually show up slightly earlier than 9am). And they have a habit of leaving other responsibilities related to the course until late into the project cycle, like necessary recording for development trailers. Coupled with the impression that most of them are into all sorts of bullshit from social media. Because of that I have come to detest half the people I work with.

And I think this may have actually influenced some bad things on the course. What frequently occurred was that I would set about the work we talked about and I was expected to do, but when I did it I felt perturbed by one of the colleagues. And I’m the kind of person that hates being perturbed. Basically he would look at my work as I was still working on it and tell me how it should be done and I wasn’t prepared to show him anything because it was still being worked on. But the biggest source of my contempt was by far the fact that he convinced us to essentially turn what was , and he used my poor marketing strategy (namely my choice of demographic) to justify it. It went from a supernatural-based beat ’em up involving a half-demon protagonist, to a fantasy-based version of that with some of my intended themes intact, to pretty much the same thing without the narrative that drove it and the design direction changed to suit a shortened experience that we would have to make. And because of that, while I was willing enough to work with them and typically kept to what I had to do, sure of what I was doing, and hated the idea of taking cues from someone who I see as having molded my project in his own image. But I would learn that this was actually the cause of a potential problem.

Yesterday I briefly attempted to design a logo for the game, or rather for the game show. I was convinced that I was finished with the task I did beforehand but was unsure of what to next so decided to wait for my colleagues to show up and make the logo while time flew by. One of them showed up and noticed what I was doing, and proceeded to complain that I was doing the logo without having the discussion for it. We then had a long talk about the problem of just going off and doing work on your own, which thinking about it now seems weird given they sometimes tell me that they stayed at home rather than go to university just to work on their own, but it was a pretty deep conservation all the same. We talked about the problems of the other group, who have a much worse problem with communication than we do, and how one of their group members doesn’t actually like the project that he’s doing but just gets on with it and does work on his own and the others aren’t happy because it’s out of sync with the art style (they’re doing a cartoon-style platformer, and he doesn’t like platformers and doesn’t usually draw in a cartoon style). It very much made me think I was having the same problem. At one point, the program director for the animation course interjected in our conversation in order to give us some advice. He felt that the discussion we were having was a step in the right direction, and pointed out that a problem with development projects in the games industry is when the team members are always against each other and don’t care about the project in the end, and so don’t communicate with the rest of the team and just get on with the work. According to him, the result is that not only does the game fail, but that failure becomes attached to you in that other companies know you made that terrible game and don’t want anything to do with you.

After that, I took on a new perspective of the team dynamics. I didn’t realize until know that they were actually interested in helping them, because I thought too little of them to think that they were actually interested in helping me. I was jaded and resentful because their antics eroded my morale, but as much as I often hate what I see as a lack of commitment, they aren’t complete shitheads. Now I see two sides to this whole thing. I still think my colleagues’ lacking in attendance is the sign of a lack of commitment and there is good reason to resent such behavior, and the program director for my course has expressed similar and more vociferous sentiment on the matter. But I may well have created a problem that, for at least the other group on my course, was worse: a lack of communication. And I’m not sure I’ve completely cultivated the balance between individualism and the spirit of collaboration.

Time for an update

So here’s an update for the blog that I kind of feel like putting out on a number of subjects.

First, and foremost, of all, I have less than a month before the end of my second term for this year at university. That means I have quite a lot to do and increasingly less time to do it in. The deadline for my major project is March 27th, right before my birthday, and both of the reports that I have to write are due on March 31st. So I might be busy. Maybe not busy enough that it’ll stop me from slacking off during weekends, but busy enough that it might make the rest of my schedule pretty stringent, to the point that I will likely put things off in order to emphasize my coursework, because that has to come first. I may, however, plan for some posts to be written in the meantime, because there are still things I’d like write about.

Second, I plan to talk about current events and politics significantly less than I do now, so that I can detach myself from those things. There’s going to some rants that I have waiting in the wings to be released pretty soon, and obviously there are soon-to-be-current events that I think ought to be covered (for instance, given that it is now March, we’re waiting on the Netherlands and later France to cast their votes in general elections), but other than that I want to begin to distance myself from such subject matter beyond the rants I have coming up this month unless a really pressing or important development catches my attention. The reason why I want to do this is because I am sensing that there is the danger that I’m going to become entirely too focused on such subject matter. And I know that we’re living in some wild times right now, so there’s probably a lot of developments that might show up ripe for analysis, deconstruction or just plain savagery or mockery on my part. But I am beginning to think I’m getting caught up, and that’s bad.

Third, once I have enough free time after the end of my current term, or ideally before that, I’d like very much to revisit the drawing board, and return with a post or two about some reflections on Satanism and other philosophies, as well as what probably be a long post about what I consider to authentic Satanic philosophy (particularly on account of the fact that I’ve criticized The Satanic Temple for not observing). Part of me is thinking that I’ve got my eyes off the ball. I mean I’ve got my eye on the ball regarding my coursework, I believe, but sort of away from the ball in other areas. Maybe it’s laziness in some respects if I think about it, but then that’s surely the sign of another malady in itself. I hope I correct it sooner or later if that’s the case.

Calming down…

After that rant about what the woes I’ve been feeling about my academic life, I have been talking with people about the matter in order to get some advice and counsel on the matter. After a while, I kind of realized that I had been a little harsh on myself, and my extreme dissatisfaction combined with my impatience with the others that I work with made me feel the way I did and it wasn’t actually necessary for me to do that. It was a very emotional reaction let’s say. I suppose in my own defense, for a rant on my personal blog it was acceptable to vent such an emotional reaction, but for my own sake I ought to pursue a correction and make things straight.

The reason I often get mad with my colleagues is not just because of what I perceive to be them shutting me down, but because of the fact that they blow off the course when it suits them – whether it’s not showing up on 9am when they’re supposed to, or leaving early if they can get away with it when they’re supposed to stick around until 5pm. This is supposed to be treated like you’re actually in a job, and for me I see it as a matter of upholding a contract. I signed up for the course, and I’ve obviously put some money into it, therefore I am expected to actually do what is expected of me and be punctual. This has been my mentality for all of my student life, and I believe there was even a time where this was considered…what’s the word again? Work ethic! Or as I call it, virtuous and honorable conduct. I think that this is expected of all us, and since I work in a team, and we’ve been told in the past that we have to operate as a team in order to do well. The fact that my colleagues do not observe the same standards hurts my morale, especially when we’re at a point where we can just be in the studio for hours and use that time to discuss what we’re doing at pretty much any time outside of lectures. Maybe I should detach my sense of morale from the lackluster standards of my colleagues, but it’s hard for me to because, aside from me having to deal with them on a regular basis, the mere idea that I’m the only one who actively pursues work ethic and actually tries to uphold the implicit contract. That said, the program director is kind of with me on this in that he thinks that my colleagues are pretty much lazy, and he seems to notice that I don’t always get along with my colleagues because of it. In general I’m the kind of guy who, if you made me a producer or a boss, I’ll take an artist or an artisan who isn’t half as good as whoever the most talented artists are at that time but who commits to his work, shows up on time when he’s supposed and all that stuff over a genius who doesn’t care about any of those things and is just a total punk-ass (for lack of a better word). In short, I value conscientiousness.

One thing I didn’t talk about last month, despite having then returned to university after the winter holidays, was how I did in the last semester. The big reason for this is because I never received any formal marks on paper other than for my dissertation. Eventually I stopped waiting for my marks and looked them up on my student Moodle account. I found out that my marks for this semester alone are higher now than they’ve been in previous years. The average mark I got for this semester was 75. The average mark for last year was 62, and for the year before that it was 58. To me, this means I have clearly progressed as a student and am getting better and doing what I do, and I hadn’t realized that yet. Now that I have, I think “I don’t have the right to feel beat down about anything”. I know that what I am doing is, ultimately, getting me good results. And now that I’ve seen that, I feel better and I can carry on doing what I’m doing. To me, even if I’m not doing as good as I’d like to, I think I’m seeing the results of the way I do things pay off. The only thing that remains is just taking what I do and doing it better, putting more effort into it.

I will carry remembering the principle of pride in worldly accomplishments, and I won’t allow myself to be dragged down by other people for no reason or by any emotions that become inflated in the process.

Starting to get tired….

This is a rant that I saved for when I finished the previous post about an experience I had in university, or rather a rising feeling of exhaustion and disillusionment.

Let me explain: over the past week we were supposed to be designing what’s called an art target, which is a basically a visual representation of what we’re supposed to be design, with all our design work proper being based around that general representation. Towards the end I had received a message from one of my colleagues explaining what we needed in an itemized form, and I run with it thinking “OK, let’s do this”. The next day, we got shitcanned by the program director because the art targets we generated appeared to be bland, flat and uninspired. I wasn’t fully sure what I did wrong at the time, but I didn’t say anything. All the while I just had this feeling of resentment – I followed the advice of my colleague, and we got shitcanned for doing so in my mind, and all I want to do is try and fix that, but every time I come up with something it’s always wrong, apparently, and when I try to help it feels. In addition to this I spent the opportunity, doing almost nothing but drawing some quick sketches on paper in one night, and one Photoshop the morning after, each time trying to perfect my skill at trying to convey something artistically and then I get told it’s not about how well you draw.

So as I designer I’m starting to think I’m always doing the wrong thing, or doing something the wrong way. All the while, when I got told “you’re a gamer, you’ve played games, what is it that you like about them?”, I just didn’t know what to say. And after that, I just felt like such a fraud, and that filled me with a sadness that was difficult to contain. I know everyone else got told the same thing, and it wasn’t just aimed at me, but that didn’t make me feel any better. It didn’t change the fact that I don’t know why I’m even here. My written work is great, I can analyze what I do, and I’m competent in areas such as character rigging and creating environmental assets as well, but I feel like in terms of basic design I feel like I’m just not cut out. Worse, I feel like I’m just taking cues and following instructions! And why? Because other people always project this sense of confidence and knowing what they’re doing, so, logically, it just felt like a matter taking the word of people who I assumed knew better than me. But the people I work with frequently come across such a non-committal bunch non-committal trollops with a blase attitude to the course. I’m there every morning, showing up at exactly the time I’m supposed to show up, while they usually show up later than me and one of them always has a reason not to show up, and they only buckle down and change this as of this week and even then I’m still convinced at least one of them has dedication issues. And when they’re gathering “research” for their designs, it feels like all they do is get from random work that someone did on Deviantart or some shit, while I try to go from real-world sources and recognized fictional media, sometimes including other games if I have to. I try to go out of my way to avoid quoting other games that are like what I’m working on unless I have to because it’s the best way to explain what we’re trying to do. In my mind that’s called, oh I don’t know, fucking originality! As I write this I feel like I’m letting myself get played and I’m thinking “why the fuck am I doing this?”.

But I already know why. Aside from what I said earlier about them projecting a sense of confidence and the appearance that they’re better artists than me (which judging from their actual work seems to be grounded in reality), the game I worked on used to be my project, and then they joined and convinced me that doing things their way might actually make a better game. I submitted a design document back in April 2016 and the next month we had our documents marked and my document was one of two that were judged by the lecturers to be the one being worked with. I was surprised that that happened, because by my money I had done a shoddy job of the document, and I think the target demographic I set for the game may have been a major weakness, having limited a potential audience. In a free market in the actual games industry I probably wouldn’t give a fuck, but in university we have to have a public exhibition for our games and we have to worry about people being repelled by what I might create. So anyways, we then formed groups of three for each project corresponding to each document, and we discussed how we were going to do this. They convinced me to turn the game from a supernatural-oriented beat ’em up into a fantasy oriented beat ’em up, because they thought that would be more accessible. For a while, after discussions, I thought I could still make this kind of unique, preserve some elements from the original idea I had, and make this into something I could get behind. But as time went on and we made it into a simplistic game for virtual reality, that became less and less, until now I’m convinced that this isn’t my game anymore, not since the others joined me in creating it. Now, in terms of design, it feels like their opportunity to do some World of Warcraft wankery.

Because of all that I’m hating the people I work with more than I did before, and from the looks of it I have to work with them until May. I can’t help but wonder if we’ll get into a situation where I say “I hate you”, and one of them says “well I hate you too”, and I say “well I hate you more” and all that bullshit. But then I also remember that part of it is still my fault. My fault for not writing a better design document, my fault for being convinced by them that their way of doing things had merit, my fault for not taking more control. Because of that, I felt less justifiably angry and more like the sense that I was kind of a screw-up who had no business in game design. But I can’t quit now. It’s the second half of third year. What’d be the point? All I can be certain of is once the third year is over and I continue into the Masters portion of the course, I never have to work with them again, even if it means working with only one other person. If I have to work with the same people again, I would resent the prospect. If I have to work on the same game again, which is being talked about, I would resent the prospect. And the main reason I’m continuing is for my own advancement as a technical artist, because the better I do on those terms the better my prospects will be later in life if I get into the industry. I wonder if maybe, just maybe, I’ve discovered the errors tied to pursuing something for your own advancement? Because it’s not as though I’m all in regarding the project I’m working on, particularly if I’m convinced it’s more akin to the project of someone else who hijacked my original idea to make it their own, whilst quoting other games in the process moreso than I could have done, and on purpose no less! And particularly not if I hate the people I have to work with. This is for my own advancement now, and even though being a Satanist I shouldn’t be bothered by that, I am worried that by the end of the project I will wind up being poorer, not richer, for it.

2016 in retrospect and moving forward

I don’t think you need me to tell you that 2016 has been a divisive year. For a lot of people, it certainly has been. To some people, it’s the end of the world as we know it. I’m guessing those people have never heard about what is going on in Syria (which has for much of this year been a war zone thanks in part to the US and the UK), Yemen (which the US government under Barack Obama in concert with Saudi Arabia have helped turn into another war zone), Venezuela (whose socialist president has turned the country into a failed state) or The Philippines (where people live in fear of Rodrigo Duterte’s death squads), let alone actually spent some time in any of those places. I’m also willing to argue to these people were definitely never alive for the Second World War, or the aftermath thereof where the people of London stood in the ashes of a city that had been leveled by Nazi Germany and when the Japanese stood in the ashes of a country that had been nuked twice. Believe me, you’ve never felt like the whole world has come to an end until you’ve seen your country reduced to rubble. Fucking entitled bastards whinging about celebrity deaths, Brexit, the ascendancy of The Donald and the gradual exposure and dismantling of the lies they have built for themselves do not make for the shittiest year on record, let alone the end of civilization as we know it. And suffice it to say, you self-entitled fuckwads have no idea what is going even in your own countries.

If we’re going to be honest 2016 was actually kind of a mixed bag, and it certainly didn’t start on a particularly auspicious note. The year begun with a mass sexual assault in Germany, and since then Europe has seen only more migrant-related crimes and Islamic terrorist attacks throughout the year. And Europe was far from alone. America suffered from what is generally considered the worst mass shooting in its history committed by an angry self-hating gay Muslim named Omar Mateen, and in its wake we saw a division among the American people – some of whom stood behind solidarity, while others stood behind identity politics, and then there are those who just went to the gun issue. Meanwhile, there is still war in the Middle East, and there are signs that Turkey will become a full-fledged totalitarian state. But as time flew by, we became witness to a revolution. We’re slowly discovering that we are being lied to by a political class that has social engineering and consolidation of its own power set in its sights and who have become detached from the average person. Across the West, for better or worse, we are seeing the old order being shaken up by Brexit, by Trump and by the Italian constitutional referendum, and the political class and everyone they have duped is panicking that what they’ve worked to build will likely come to an end, and in the process we have come to see said class as entirely self-centered; they don’t care about you, and any ideals they claim to stand for they only care for when it suits them. Meanwhile, the metastasis of progressive political correctness, which has been in the works for years now, has also been laid bare for all to see, and I believe soon that we will reach a point where the majority of people reject it completely.

On a personal note, I feel like I have a greater sense of what is going on around me, and I plan on shedding some fears I once had. I honestly want to be more positive about life in the future. Recently there’s moments recently where, for some reason, I feel relatively negative about life and the world around me. Particularly whenever I, for some reason, think about death and uncertainty. In truth, one of my cousins was right about me: I tend to overthink things a lot. I would think this is tied to a sense of perfectionism in my work as a student. But I think there might be a few cures for that. First of all, thanks to that very same cousin of mine, I’m probably going to give up the avoidance of alcohol entirely in 2017 so long as that helps in a small way, but still going for controlled drinking rather than getting pissed in clubs like a lot of people might. Second, I want to work to end a historical sense of personal protectionism and isolation in my own life, and get some goals achieved. Third, I want to tear down the perfectionism I tend to have about myself, and get rid of the anxiety that this creates, and truly realize just how capable I am with my work. Fourth, I want to take life perhaps a little less seriously, at least while I’m still a young man. Fifth, the life goals: cultivating a meaningful romantic relationship, becoming physically and mentally stronger, mastering game design and the guitar, making real progress on my spiritual path and journey and all that business.

At this point I would like to give a shout out to a particular low-hanging fruit that did the rounds last week: MTV’s “New Year’s for White Guys” video, before it was deleted. Apparently it was so bad, even Bill O’Reilly of Fox News can wreck it and come out looking like a voice of reason for doing so. Foregoing the standard social justice talking points that litter the video, among the complaints registered by the vapid fools who appeared in the video was that 2016 was bad, and it can’t get any worse than that. Want to know how to make 2017 better than 2016? Well I’ll tell you what would make it better: transcending all of the nonsense that has divided the West! Go listen to Jordan Petersen who will tell you that exactly why people on both ends of the political spectrum ought to be working together at long last or at least achieve some kind of harmony rather than constantly be working against each and dividing the people with two unproductive extremes. Alienation and polarization of people cannot continue in a society forever and nor do I desire it to continue forever in Western society. I believe this is particularly regarding America after the 2016 presidential election. All the people who are talking how they are cutting any ties with whoever voted Trump in the election need to stop and realize how hate-filled and intolerant they are being whilst somehow believing that hatred and intolerance was what they are opposing. All the people who stand by Trump wholeheartedly whilst believing that everyone else was under the spell of Hillary’s evil machinations need to do sort of the same thing – they need to realize just how polarized they are and reunite with their fellow countrymen. And the rest, I believe, are fit to guide America towards sane third path. THAT is what we need, but, as I alluded to in one of last month’s posts, I suspect we will have to undergo some turbulence before that happens. In the end that is what I really hope for: after the chaos, a real and lasting sense of harmony will finally emerge.

In the end, I’m going to remember 2016 as the year where everything changed for the world around me, and the year where I have evolved a bit as a result of becoming more aware of that, and I think I look set to change further. I don’t see any other way other than to follow the path of change and try and focus further on that path. That’s how I’m going to remember 2016: not as the end of the free world as we know it like many people believe it to be, but as a major wake up call and opening of a path of hope, change and progress in a way that I think few people would consider it to be.

Happy New Year everyone, hope you enjoyed the Winter Mass.

Some academic faggotry

Please excuse the very crude title, but that’s who I felt at the time . And I don’t mean to refer to people who are homosexuals. I use the term “faggotry” in this case to refer to something severely annoying.

It was 9 in the morning and we were treated to a short lecture on “dissertation theory”, where someone from “contextual studies” (which sounds like a relic of my art college dies) talks to us about how best to write a dissertation, which follows three hours of “dissertation practice”, where one of the actual game design lecturers does kind of the same thing but we’re more oriented towards actually working on our dissertations (or researching for them in the early weeks). So anyways, the tutor addressed us game students, and since he was clearly unfamiliar with the games industry he jumped straight to Call of Duty as an example, which was cringeworthy enough as it is. Then he asked when the first game was released, I guessed 2003 (which indeed it was). Then he said, “what happened two years before then?”, and that’s when it occurred to me he was trying to refer to 9/11, which led me to believe.

In what I now consider to be sort of a misguided action (I’ll get to why later) I said “are you kidding me?” in a tone where everyone can hear me, and everyone looked at me as though I had said something stupid or unpopular. All I thought was “this game has no objective connection to 9/11 happening”, and I thought the idea was so outrageously retarded that I ended up vocalizing my disapproval. In his mind though, I was taking issue with him personally (who knows? maybe I was…). He even pretended to concede that I was right before sarcastically saying “and you know what else? 300 had nothing to do with Iran”, referring to some kind of political event or speech made about Iran in 2007 or 2008, I think. In my mind, the man was clearly either retarded or just being disingenuous or intellectually dishonest. Either way, it became obvious to my fellow students that I had developed nothing but contempt for the man and his reasoning.

And just to drive the point home further, he actually went on some spiel about how Back to the Future was probably based on the Jewish myth of the golem, based on invented connections between Jewish lore and the plot of Back to the Future. He even got the fucking myth wrong! He claimed that to bring the Golem to life you had to write the Hebrew word for “truth” (which he claimed sounded similar to one of the character’s names in Back to the Future, which to me is a weak basis of connection to the film’s story) and to reverse the effect you write the Hebrew word for death. That’s baloney! In Jewish lore, a Golem is animated by the magician putting a piece of parchment in its mouth, usually said to contain the written name of “God”, and to kill it the magician has to remove that parchment. He got it wrong, and I fucking knew it from the start!!

I remained frustrated with him for a good long while now, and talked with one of my colleagues about how I didn’t trust any academics other than my lecturers at game design for the sole reason that they are simply more grounded than him. That might be because they know the game industry and they’re dealing in a profession that requires them to actually be grounded in practical reality and not be flying in the realm of nonsensical pseudo-intellectual abstractions. Of course, the program director ended up having to talk to us about it because, unfortunately, I was seen as having made a scene. Fortunately we weren’t in any real trouble and nor did he claim to that we were or talk to us in a way that suggested this was the case. But it did seem that the dissertation theory tutor was not used to his game design class. Which I don’t find fucking surprising at all considering the dissertation theory tutor has nothing to do with the game design course. I ended up realizing that even though in my mind my frustrations are pretty reasonable and I’m right to have an aversion to nonsense in academia, my actions were more counterproductive than anything else and I’m probably going to get the program director in trouble if I repeat the same actions. I’m not an idiot, and I respect the man too much to do something that might get him in more hot water. Not only because he’s a pragmatist, a very grounded individual with an admirable attitude and he knows the games industry more than any new student who enters the course, but because he saved me from throwing away my potential as a game student based on emotion back in the first year. Were it not for that, I probably would have done something stupid and I might have taken somewhat longer to grow the way I have as a person.

But you know what? The program director told me that the dissertation theory lecturer said he recognized my brother, who now studies illustration in the same institution. My brother hasn’t been in university for very long and already he says he has to deal with bullshit academics. How bullshit you might ask? Then depends on how you take to a guy who tells you to consider “is the artist really an individual if he/she has to shop at Tesco?”. I take it as just fundamentally retarded. But my program director warns me that I might have to deal with more of it because of how hypothetical and theoretical the guy is and I’m expected to push through in third year. Personally, though, I think academia is supposed to be about learning and dealing with something in the way of objective truth, not pulling stuff out of your asshole and making spurious connections to look intelligent.

Affirm your own life, don’t give it up

Yesterday someone I know posted about how he was apparently ready to commit suicide. He said that he didn’t know why he keeps having hope, he keeps trying but “things are never going to get better” and thus he felt the only way to stop what he perceives as his suffering is to kill himself, and he ended his post with “goodbye”. Because I considered him sort of a friend, I tried to persuade him not to commit suicide. He told me that he had no other options but to commit suicide because he had no friends (other than me, I guess) and his family threw him out on the streets because he couldn’t pay them (for what, I have no clue). He told me that he just wanted “a chance to have dreams” and that he’ll never achieve his dreams. Oh he of little faith. He’s even convinced that the world just didn’t want him in the first place. I tried to convince him that he was wrong, the suicide will change nothing, and that as long as he has a job (which he told me he does) the only way forward is to persevere and work hard until you can make enough money to get out of being homeless. After a while, the conversation stopped, and I have no idea if I actually managed to get through to him, but I hope I did.

I am very much against suicide as some people may know. Not to the point that I think it should be illegal (after all what would be the point?), but I am opposed to it. The only time I could see it as acceptable or understandable is if you’re terminally ill  with no chance of recovery or if it’s someone performing assisted suicide if you’re in a vegetative state and there’s no hope of recovering from that. Beyond that, suicide to me simply means giving up and turning your back on a life that, if you persevere, you could still make somewhat better. Nothing will change for the better if you kill yourself, and that’s regardless of the question of life after death. If you think that nothing can change for the better while you’re alive and you think suicide is the answer, just know that suicide will not make anything better. All you will do is leave behind a corpse and the grief of whatever loved ones you have.

And let me you something. The world doesn’t “want” anyone. It has no consciousnesses. It’s a thing we live on, or live off. Do you really think the planet actually gives a damn that we exist on it? Of course not. And if you kill yourself, the world, the universe and life in general will go on without you. And after a while, most people will get over it in most cases. It sounds awfully cold, but that’s reality for you. If your self-esteem or emotional well-being depends on having a place in the world’s heart, then I see little hope for you. You’ve got to believe in yourself. You’ve got to live for yourself. And persevere through life, so long as you can still do so.