How I became a Satanist: a retrospection

Well, it’s that time of year, again. It is officially the anniversary of my Heretical Domain, and I’ve now been running this blog for five years. I kind of worried this blog would be dead by now, given how much things have slowed down this year. But no, I think I’ll still be writing for this for some time. And since this is the 5th anniversary of the blog, I would like to do something special for you readers: I’m going to look back on how I became a Satanist, from my current perspective.

Now, while I officially became a Satanist in 2013, while I was still a college student, there is something to say about my “religious life” before that point. When I was a boy, I used to be loosely part of the Christian faith in that I was brought to believe in Jesus on the basic level. I was never a devout Christian in the sense that I read the Bible back then and was a consistent church-goer (in fact, my parents were liberal enough that they allowed me to not go to church for some reason), but I did believe in Jesus, was scared of going to hell like many kids were, and I was naive enough back in the day to pray to him to stop the rainforests from being bulldozed to death (because hey, I cared a lot about stuff like that as a kid). At the very least I would have been culturally Christian back then. As I got older, I was more reluctant about this religious belief, and there was one time when a learning support assistant I worked with talked about whether or not I was Christian, I was asked if I believed in the god of the Bible and his son and nervously said yes. I say nervously, I was worried that I’d be judged if I said no. That was about a decade ago, I think was at least 12 years old at the time, and I can never be certain if those concerns were rational.

At some point in my early teens I discovered the writings of an atheist named Ebon Musings on the Internet, specifically writings concerning about the nature of the god of the Bible. How he was an evil, tyrannical deity who kept his hold over the hearts of his believers by threatening to destroy them for all eternity, and who goes about murdering countless people in the Old Testament. I also used to watch some programs hosted by Richard Dawkins, where he would explain his similar views about Christianity and God, as well as religion in general. Somehow I never really became an atheist after that (though I do have my leanings in some cases), I guess even after absorbing those ideas part of me still wanted a spiritual side, but I did abandon Christianity, never to return. After that I was inspired to look at all kinds of religions. In that sense, looking back, it seems like I did what a lot of people did when they lose their faith. I always looked to either Eastern religions or some forms of paganism, and I was very interested in earth and fertility goddesses for some reason. There was a time when I did a random prayer to Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of fire and volcanoes, because I found the deity interesting. At some point, I discovered the Shin Megami Tensei games, which brazenly showed me a world filled with demons, angels and Gods, nearly all derived from existing religions, traditions and mythologies, and pitted them in a world that presented a philosophical choice for the player, which for most of the games can often be boiled down to a the dilemma of “order/security vs freedom and self-direction”. Looking up the series, and the entities featured in the games, exposed me to a whole world of myths, characters and beliefs that until then I didn’t know existed. At the time, I still wasn’t emotionally ready to embrace Satanism yet, but for a while I got thinking and I leaned a lot to the side that happened to be backed by demons and fearsome deities (though, as a teenager, I had a tendency to be swing back and forth with different positions). It also kind of find into my interest in real world mythologies evolving from concern with goddesses and Hinduism, to also incorporating chthonic beings like the Cabiri and the Yaksha, and representations of primordial chaos like Tiamat.

For years until 2013, I was just a kooky agnostic who hated Christianity and admired paganism and Eastern religions. That was probably the closest to a consistent religious identity I had for a while. You could probably tell from a lot of my earliest blog posts. Even after I became a Satanist, aspects of that persisted for about a year or so, but we’ll get to that later on. I think it was by around 2011 or 2012, when I was still active on Yahoo Answers, I met a Luciferian occultist from America who followed me and gave me his opinion in answer to several questions of mine, even regarding things non-related to religion and philosophy. I used to chat with him a lot, he would frequently indulge my curiosities about Satanism, the Left Hand Path and the occult, as well as talk to me about a world of other things, and before long we became friends. Sometimes, I even referred to him as a brother of sorts, despite not actually being tied by flesh and blood. I haven’t spoken to him since at least 2015, sadly, but I will always remember him by his handle: The Desolate One. After talking to him, as well as watching interviews of King Diamond while I was getting into heavy metal, I began thinking more about Satanism, and more specifically what I wanted.

As much as nowadays I complain about the pretentiousness that is, somewhat stereotypically, associated with art students, I think that my time in art college was useful. For one thing I probably couldn’t have gotten into university without it, because I needed to earn a further education degree in art in order to get into the game design course I now do, but in a broader sense it was an opportunity to express myself creatively with wild abandon, even if I’m not convinced what I did was as good as many of the other things that other students made. Whenever I had the freedom to do so, I would express a lot of leaning that would probably be considered proto-Satanist in a personal sense, sometimes expressing ideas that learned from The Desolate One, but mostly expressing aspects of my own personality. At the time, I was pretty rebellious, which I guess is sort of typical for someone who was still basically a teenager, but introverted as merry fuck on top of that. Before the beginnings of summer in 2013, my leanings and thoughts came together, and I saw Satanism as the perfect fit to what I was looking for: I wanted freedom, self-direction, affirmation of life, a spiritual system that embraced pretty much everything that mainstream religion hated. That was how I understood Satanism. Theism or atheism, it didn’t matter to me, and it still doesn’t matter to me that much. I don’t care if you are an atheistic or theistic Satanist; I care if you are a Satanist. If you embrace the fundamental philosophy of Satanism on a basic level, the God debate is irrelevant because then you are still a Satanist with or without the literal Satan.

Ever since then, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t go through changes. When I was younger for instance, I tried vainly to mix that Satanism with Hindu and Buddhist teachings, but it didn’t work out. Now I don’t do that as much, although I am still interested in reading about the Tantric teachings to learn from them. Also, in the past, I was still pretty emotionally immature, and this has often lead to me doing some really stupid things that ended friendships and even potential relationships. Nowadays, I guess you could say I’ve “grown up”, but I’m still a pretty eccentric individual with some of my historical desires and drives remaining; call it what you will: an act of the hidden Will preserving those things, or what Nietzsche called some granite of “spiritual fatum”, or just genes I guess. But that’s the look I’m looking at. And in 2015 I learned more about Luciferianism, at least the kind expounded by Michael Ford and Jeremy Crow, and I really liked the philosophy they put forward in Wisdom of Eosphoros and have since incorporated many aspects of it into my own worldview. But for now, I mostly think of myself as a Satanist first, but with a sort of Luciferian framework layered on top of it. And I guess I’m a sect unto myself now, as of some months ago.

And that, I suppose, is how I became a Satanist. If my philosophy is strong enough, I will probably remain a Satanist for the foreseeable future. I can’t imagine how much that will play into the rest of my life after I leave university, but hey; nowadays I’m almost less worried about people knowing I’m a Satanist and more worried about people getting to know my politics and my appreciation for good memes (not that this should throw me off guard). Anyhow, I hope you enjoyed reading that and I kind of hope to still be posting on this blog for a couple more years.

Hail Satan, and salutations to The Desolate One for leading me down the path to Satanism.

4 thoughts on “How I became a Satanist: a retrospection

  1. I am so glad someone else got something philo-spiritual out of SMT. Love the series. I had an opposite experience, I already knew the real world myths. SO, I was surprised at how much research they actually did. They really did a good job! I plan on playing more SMT games, I mostly play Persona. (Started on 4, but gawd, I love 3. One of the best games I ever played in my whole life!)

    1. Persona 5 was amazing. I spent almost my whole spring holidays last year on it. The way it deals with the profound dysfunction of the Japanese society it deals with the theme of a kind of spiritual transformation, couched in the wider themes of liberation and reform. Trust me when I say this vague idea will become far more influential for me than other ideas have before, especially in my current phase as I shift in worldview.

      I am also dearly excited for the arrival Shin Megami Tensei V, partly because I have heard of how they are going to try and relate the same themes of the games to real world issues, including things like terrorism. I know that sounds weird to find fascinating in a game, but for SMT’s case it’s just the natural extension of the way the games have been for the last 25 or so years.

      Oh and, incidentally, nowadays you will probably find me partial to the Neutral alignment rather than Chaos.

      1. I can’t wait to play 5. I like how they try to write very realistically, despite having demons and whatnot in the games. It’s also refreshing to see a fantasy series take place in modern times.

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