Some musings on my life, and a little bit on spirituality

Part 2 of Progress will be posted soon, but first there’s something I want to get out there onto the blog.

While walking past the castle in my town and through a local nature reserve, I’ve processed some thoughts in my head. I mentioned on my 4th anniversary post on Tuesday that being self-critical may have often been a source of woes in my life, and I think it’s probably true. I know it sounds weird coming from a Satanist, given that one of the primary tenets of modern Satanism is to basically believe in yourself, but I think that a lot of times I put myself down. The weird thing is, I remember there are times when I think I do feel pretty prideful, even arrogant from time to time, but in my academic life and sometimes personal or social life I actually have a bizarre tendency to feel the opposite. I often think I’m not as good as I ought to be at most things I do, I’m often cautious do a lot in the world of social interactions, it doesn’t help that I procrastinate fairly often, and I think there is still some self-doubt in my life, too much in fact.  If anything, it’s a sure sign that I’m not doing enough in my path. The fact that I have a university course and I’m in my third year probably doesn’t help things. But I also fear I may actually be deluding myself in this regard, especially because I remember, in the context of my academic work, that my lecturers are mostly or at least somewhat satisfied with my work, my fellow students think I’m doing fine and the people who support me via student services think I’m growing quite well. I think it may be one of those things were I have to, somehow, affect my perception of what I’m doing, the value of what I’m doing, perhaps even my personality, and then my behavior will likely change through it.

I talked with this a bit before with support mentors I work with. One of them talked to me about why I don’t like the idea of going out at night and then just staying with my brother, who is staying at the dorms. I wouldn’t do it anyway because I know he wouldn’t let me do it because he insists we keep our academic/social lives separate (he’s worried I might either “steal” some of his friends or make them feel uncomfortable, somehow), and he noticed that I was pretty good at coming up with reasons not to go out. And then I thought, “you know, you might be right”. And I think I still tend to protect myself quite a bit, and maybe it is because of certain fears or worries, which may give rise to delusions about social life, coupled with the fact that I’ve been introverted for the longest time and pretty insular for by and large my entire teenage life. I wanted more than most things to end this, but didn’t bother taking a lot of initiatives or giving myself much in the way of a competent road map for this. I think a lot of it has to do with the fear of a loss of control, and a general distrust of too much personal change that I can’t control. It’s also one of the big reasons why I never drank alcohol, especially in the past – I always suspected that something would go wrong if I started drinking and saw alcohol as both unhealthy and a surefire way to lose oneself.

I remember that in personal interactions with people I know reasonably well enough and get along with well enough, a more exuberant and confident self emerges. When I feel confident enough to do or say something, I can do it, and my personality, or rather that part of it that becomes unguarded by personal protectionism, shines forth. My brother knows this, my support mentors know this, I’m sure my lecturers and some of my friends have an inkling of knowing this and perhaps some of you might know it. In fact, I remember talking about this with The Desolate One, a Luciferian occultist who consider to be something of a spiritual mentor and even a bro of mine – and I mean that in the positive sense. Social media, in cases where I’m anonymously, tends to allow me to escape this, and in my past this hasn’t always been a good thing for a lot of reasons. Nowadays I think not much is accomplished in the end by this escape other than temporarily coping with the fact that I don’t have the life or lifestyle that I truly desire, similar to how pornography can be used by single men (or women) to cope with the either the fact that they have no sexual/romantic partner and are struggling to find one or, increasingly, that they are rejected by the other gender because of the “evils” the other gender has tied to their gender (incidentally, there’ll be more of me talking about that on the next Progress post).

I think that, maybe, part of what spirituality is in this case is to access a state of consciousness that is unfettered by any kind of fears, doubts or delusions for the largest part, even of those things aren’t eliminated from the self (not least without “killing the ego” as is the case in RHP traditions). Perhaps they need not even be eliminated per se, but rather conquered, or mastered. A divine consciousness, in the LHP tradition, would probably be such a spiritual consciousness that stands triumphant over these defeated things, whilst also being aware of a spiritual side of reality whatever that may be. If that’s what a lot spiritual systems, occult or otherwise, intend to do, then I think that’s great.

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