With just one more week before I return to university and begin my third year of academic study as a game design student, there is something that hit me. I have been on summer break for about four months. That is a lot of time to potentially do nothing – I mean besides write more blog posts, spend time on my guitar and play video games, of course. And there was no plan, no structure to it all. Why would there be? I had way too much time. A fool might even tell me “you have all the time in the world”.
But now I find that I resent this. I had too much time on my hands. I now think that there was basically no order to it. It always weirds me out when I think about how I often say I like “Chaos” at least to a certain degree, and in particular how I used to gas on about it when I was in college and during the early years of this blog. On reflection, I feel reminded how I have what might be called an orderly impulse, or a desire for some order, that exists alongside my more “chaotic” instincts. I guess it might just be then when I’m trying to do some things, like work, I just like having some structure to work with and then run with it. I also have a desire for more control and discipline, and the lack of this has been the cause of some woes. Part of me thinks it might actually have something to do with being autistic, due to one of the things typically associated with people on the autistic spectrum is a tendency to prefer predictability, structure and order. But then how come I always tend to favor freedom at least when talking about my views, or my worldview. I tend to think that people should generally be free to make their own choices and follow their own inclinations (at least without causing harm to other people), and I always thought that putting order above freedom made such a thing impossible.
Point is, as I may have written about before, actually, the part of myself that wants some kind of order and structure is there. At the very least, the discussions I had with student support on the matter were a good reminder of that, and of balance because I also know that certain impulses or desires, or even values, I would think of as “chaotic” are still there, and still a big part of who I am. This is probably why Luciferianism appeals to me, if I think about it – because both of what we call order and chaos are very much viewed as part of the self , if not generally seen as two sides of the same coin. It’s also why I put Varuna on the “deities” list (speaking of which, I should really think about deities vs deific masks at some point, perhaps after reading enough of Michael W. Ford’s literature).
At any rate, I should stress that I’m not the kind of person who prefers order for order’s sake. In fact, if you forced me to chose between a totalitarian state and either rebellion or living in the wilderness, I would probably pick the either of the latter two. But in life that dichotomy is usually not present, particularly not in the Western society in which I live – at least for now.