How unexpected…

Well, it seems yesterday has been a really long day for me. And honestly, I had a certain expectation of how that day was going to go down. I thought that I was going to get my results in the form of a formal feedback sheet when I got back to university, and that there was a good chance that I had either failed or just proven unworthy to keep going on my course. It turns out that I might not receive my grade until the end of this week, or next week, but I am told that I didn’t do too bad, fine enough to pass, but there are many areas that I think that I have to improve in, along with the rest of my class.

Apparently we did fail at one thing though: communication. We failed to evidence any kind of communication in our presentation, and the lecturers suspect not only that most of us don’t get along with each other and don’t like to agree on anything, but that it hinders our work. Strangely enough they think the content we have produced is adequate, but that most of us are not figuring things out or coming up with anything most of the time, and not trying to understand for ourselves what the problems are and usually just act on what the lecturers tell us after they tell us what’s going on.

However, my point is I’ve survived the first half of second year and half of my entire course, and it turns out that there’s actually room for improvement. Even though I don’t have my formal marks yet, I can tell that I didn’t get severely low marks and that I wasn’t necessarily terrible. At the least, it’s enough that I feel willing to continue because I feel I can still do so with some semblance of hope for improvement and positive change. That said, I hope I can still maintain the reason for doing game design in the first place, and without it being at the expense of my other interests.

To be honest, my main fear, or rather my main source of anxiety, is not that I will fail as a game designer. Instead, my main source of anxiety pertains to what I see as me being pretty damn sensitive about the way I think things are going to happen. For instance, apart from the worry that I was going to go back to university only to find that I have failed, I also feared that because a train strike I’d be late and that I’d miss a lot of my morning, even though I had informed the lecturers that I’d be late.  In general, I feel like I have had a tendency to what one of the lecturers refers to as “making a mountain out of a molehill”. To me, it seems like I might have a tendency to overreact without really thinking about it, and I think I might be a weakness. I have to wonder where this comes from: is it down to me being a sensitive person by nature, or is it simply derived from a lack of knowledge or understanding regarding some circumstances rather than my actual character?

I also worry that I have this insecurity that I’m not as strong of mind, will, and spirit as I like to think I am, might be, or could be, or that I am either not living up to my potential or am just not as capable of doing so as I thought. It’s exactly the sense of doubt and insecurity that one of my aims is to eliminate or conquer. Perhaps that insecurity may also be derived from a lack of knowledge or wisdom pertaining to my potential. Or maybe it comes from the sense of a limitation that I didn’t know I was placing on myself. Or maybe it comes from an attachment towards perceptions I generate pertaining to circumstances, events, and my own potential that may be exaggerated to the point that they may not reflect what’s actually going on (who knows, this might be that thing which gets confused with “ego-attachment” in many circles, with insecurity and wildly generated perceptions mistakenly referred to as the ego, which is really just Latin for what we call the individuated self). Or maybe I’m just not doing enough magick in my lifetime and am missing out on important benefits of doing magick.

I think I’m going to snap at some point. Not in the negative sense though, as in to really lose my sanity and act violently against other people and the world around me for no good reason, but rather in the sense of reaching a point where I just have to act or make a decision regarding my being, my emotions, insecurities, and all that other stuff without looking back in the process. Perhaps it’s the kind of rebirth that my friend Mo referred to only a few days ago. But right now, I feel like I might be at a point of a certain sense of discovery, and hopefully a deep, profound, full-tilted change.

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8 responses to “How unexpected…

  1. Anyone that says, or hints, or acts like they don’t have insecurities is a liar. It’s either that, or they have a personality disorder.
    You are stronger than you seem to think, because you see these insecurities, and because you see them you can work on them.

    • Would it be fair or sensible to say that the only time you don’t have any insecurity, even a small one, is when you’re dead or in whatever afterlife you believe in?

      • I think that is fair to say.

        To me insecurity is caused by not knowing.

        When we’re dead, we know. Or we’re annihilated and we know nothing.
        Either way, there is no insecurity.
        Until then we have to deal with it.

  2. congratulations on doing better than you thought! I think you were very well aware of the communication issue in the group, and unfortunately that isn’t just in your hands. I do find it unfair when tutors criticize a whole group for “not getting on”, or “not working well together”, because even if you potentially do work well with other people, if other people don’t try, you can’t do it for them. That’s where facillitating the group comes in, and that would be for the paid professionals (ie tutors and teachers) to get off their arses and do something about it. The least they could do is *appoint* someone a facillitator in the group and support them in it, if they won’t do the job themselves. Otherwise I find it unfair on individuals who are just working against the inertia of the group.

    It sounds like you are very self-critical, and you worry about the things you cannot organize for yourself. I can sympathise with that. It would make you something of a perfectionist, which within reason isn’t a bad thing at all, and in some areas is very useful, but worry is one of those things that you can work to drop, as it is actually a mental-emotional habit. In cognitive behavioural therapy they talk about a tendency called “catastrophising”, which is imagining the worst outcome for things habitually (I used to do this a lot at one point in my life). It sounds like you do a mild form of this, and it is a habit that can be undone, partly through developing a kind of confidence and experience, but also by recognizing it as an unrealistic habit, and letting go of it, because it is basically erroneous.

    Everyone has different characteristics, and different strengths and weaknesses, but even the weaknesses hide different ways of functioning, and different strengths that can be uncovered and developed.

    Like Gurdjieff used to say:

    ‘the queston isn’t “am I an idiot?” but “what kind of idiot am I?”‘.

    We are all different kinds of idiot, the virtue lies in understanding what our particular nature is, and working with it well.

    • You know what’s weird? My brother tends to have a similar self-criticism, but I think his motivations are different. He’s actually seen as a perfectionist by his tutors, but additionally he’s seen as overworking himself.

      • that could make quite a big difference, as if you just do your own thing, it is easier for self-criticism to go into work, whereas if you are dependent upon others, there’s scope for energy being expended on trying to make the interaction work, and if that interaction isn’t working well, then it can take a lot of energy with relatively little to show for it

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