Under the sword of destiny…

Well I’ve finished the first term of university, for the most part. There’s still one assignment for one of the modules that’s been extended until January 8th, which means I’ll have to do some work over the holidays. But otherwise, I’ve finished my first term of my second year at university. But when I had after the main presentation, I was still left with a feeling of unease: I feel like there are things that I have been unconscious of this entire time, that I may not of paid as much attention to as would be ideal. And afterwords, one of the lecturers said that one of our problems as a group is that we still aren’t living as a team, instead we’re doing our own thing, and we were warned that we can’t just act as individuals. There’s probably many ways this could be interpreted from the standpoint of game development, but to me the meaning couldn’t be clear: I might have to live or work as a team unit, or at least moreso than an individual. I don’t think I can do it. I want to excel myself as a designer but I don’t want to be just a unit in a group or team. I want to be an individual. And I might be overreacting, but I’ll never get to know until I come back in January. I still can’t help but think that if I operate more as a team unit and I get used to it, where will it go from there? For now, I want to continue further in the course, and I think I might, but at the time I feel like I may not, and I’m soon to approach a turning point that a large part of my life hinges on. And I’ve said it before: it’s all about morale.

That sense of doubt would be enough to deal with without something else happening alongside that. For the one module that’s due in January we actually did have a lecture, but most of the animations students we were meant to be working with weren’t present for that. The students I was working with said they’d be in today, but only one showed up and even then he was late. We also had a fire alarm go off, and after we went back inside he left. As for the ones who did not show up, I wanted to have a word with them about why they did not attend. One of them responded, but after he explained his reasons, we had the usual friction about our work versus our professional practice (the latter of which is more important than the actual work in this particular module), but this time things got worse. The student accused me of tracking everything he did and getting on his case even though I did less work than him, but my complaints are not about his work, but rather about his professional practice. Anyways, after an argument over Skype (one of the methods we communicate with for our project) he decided that he didn’t want to participate in Skype meetings with the rest of the group and just work on his own behind the group. I wouldn’t go feeling sorry for him if I were you: the same student tried to get someone who works for a company called AMC (and supposedly is a third year student) to do some of the work for us in exchange for paying him about £50 from each of us in the group. And if that’s not enough, the animation students were told repeatedly over the module that, while you still have to produce work, the work itself is less important than the planning and professional practice behind it. But the animation students I work with always lead me to believe that they never listened, and not only has this not changed, my relationship with at least one of them has deteriorated badly because I have to tell him why he’s wrong and he won’t listen. But that things deteriorated in such a way is the only thing I feel bad about. Otherwise I’m just too arrogant and too stubborn, let alone proud of it, for the right reasons, because in my mind I feel I know I’m right, and this student was simply too dumb to listen to me. The way I see it, I’m the most disciplined person in my team for that module and the main reason for our team running just fine, and that team-mate who chooses to ignore me is just a peon, and so is everyone like him.

And yet, it may be that stubbornness and arrogance that may lead me to believe that I’m ultimately unfit to continue the course, or at least I feel I’m more likely to feel that way when I find that deteriorated state of affairs blown up in my face. Or maybe I only feel that way because I just feel tired of dealing with dummies who don’t listen to me, or who tell me to loosen up when I’m trying to talk business with them, or who make assumptions about the way I act without respect to the fact I’m just not like other students: not in the game design course, not in animation, not anywhere, and frankly it should be obvious at an early point to everyone who I dare to work with.

Anyways, through all that, I think my journey in the world of games design is slowly becoming less clear-cut than I’d like it to be, and I believe I will not know the full truth about where I stand and where I’m going until I return on the week of January 4th. Until then, the time between today and January 4th is a period where all I can do is wait. At least I have plenty to do in that time, and plans to make. But all the while, I’m walking to towards a path with the specter of certainty and what may dare be called destiny, awaiting the moment of truth, waiting to see the writing on the wall.

Rembrandt, Belshazzar’s Feast, 1635.

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