This week my university presented me with an unusual opportunity: there was a social being held at Crowley’s Rock Bar tonight from 7pm until 10pm open for game design students of all years and for game developers within the industry. It was an opportunity to go the rock bar, but it was late at night, and the night before a day when I begin lectures at 9am, requiring me to rise early in the morning. Not to mention my general unease surrounding going out at night. I struggled with the decision for a while, but decided to stay for over an hour and then head home in order to wrap things up before tomorrow. My main motivation was that I was tired of not doing things at night.
While I waited for the social to start, I noticed that things seemed dull at this time of day. Everywhere was beginning to close and there were so few places to pick up a dinner before my excursion. The social itself wasn’t that bad at all. At times it still felt like I didn’t speak much, and I was disappointed that no one from any games companies spoke to me before I left, but it was alright. The trip back though was pretty bad, or at least it didn’t feel right. I thought I was going to get jumped on the street, but all that happened was that some bozo made some weird noises to me and laughed, but he at least left me alone enough that I could still go about my business. When I got to the train station, everything was shut except the gates to the trains and a customer service station, but while I was there I felt like there was a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction about me. I wanted to push back my boundaries and limits, even for one night, but at the same time when I was going home I felt like I’d rather be at home than spending an over hour walking through the night. The night sky should feel beautiful, but life beneath it feels dull, empty, even desolate unless you’re out partying, drinking, clubbing, or even just spending time at home.
I feel like either in general I’d rather be in my own world than go out at night, maybe I now feel happy about being a kind of introvert who stays at home when it’s dark, or maybe I’m just not ready for nightlife when I still have to take trains. Maybe when I get a car, or live further than my current hometown it might feel better, but that might be more to do with the feeling of control, that is control over what would otherwise be a strange situation.