Self-belief and fighting the world

I was having an appointment with someone from Student Services within the university, and I had the opportunity to talk about an array of subjects primarily relating to my own experience in university, and one thing that got me thinking is an issue of self-confidence. One of the things that bugged me for a long time since my later years at high school when studying art is that I always saw other people’s work and felt that other people had made better-quality work than I did or could do, and in the world of game design this is still an issue where I feel like other people have been more capable in a number of fields than me, particularly asset modelling, digital concept art, and mastering the game engine.

That’s when I got into a discussion about self-belief, which I recall stressing as a virtue. But eventually something got to me: either my own self-belief is not yet as strong as I like to think it is or think it could be, or I’m not doing enough to fight the sense of doubt that I feel at times, particularly in regards to changing the fact that I sometimes don’t think much of my own efforts in what I do. We go through this life and encounter doubts and challenges to our self-esteem, and sometimes we think about ourselves and think that perhaps we haven’t been doing as good a job as we think, and we feel some amount of shame or displeasure because of it, and I don’t think we can always deal with that alone. That’s why it’s great to be able to communicate to others, and allow them to show the way when necessary. If you don’t have this, all you have is being alone with your thoughts, and I don’t think that’s very good when you have that alone. It’s a reminder of something Sean told me: asking for help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.

I also want to mention that there is one thing I hold about self-belief in particular. I do feel that my path tends to consist of maintaining my self-identity and self-belief by fighting the world. Not in the sense that my brother might think about it (opposing the system at large) but in the sense of an individual going against the flow and consistently committing to do so. I would be mortified if I were to hit by 40’s or older and discover that I had lost my spirit, character, and identity to the weight of the world, like I perceive many people as doing. You know, much like how when people are as young as me they might have a solid idea of who they are and what their values are, but when they get older they hold back, stop committing to their own values, and give up their spirit to the weight of the world. My concern is live authentically and prove my authenticity. So when I argue with my brother on various things, one thing that bothers me is that I can feel like he undermines me or makes me feel like I have less passion than he does, as though he has more spirit than I, but I perceive him to be more simple-minded in arguments sometimes than I because I feel more like giving out moderation, balance, and reason. Well, just wait until the day comes when the boundaries between emotion and intellect, passion and logic, disappear. I can’t be sure yet what would come of it, but think the results might just surprise.

11 responses to “Self-belief and fighting the world

  1. if you make serious enough spiritual intention to live authentically, and really work for that, then that intention will last if it is true to you and if it is sound. Even if your understandings change and become quite different at times over time, your intention will have become rooted in the subconscious by its depth, and it will not let you go. Sometimes when you are young you understand certain things instinctively and throw yourself into them, even though you do not really understand what they could actually mean in full (or you only have a very romantic idea of them for instance), but the intuition is true, and it will carry you through, and return at the right time

  2. People and external authorities are good at making the individual have self-doubt, which is how they gain control of the individual. Wisdom is born of experience, and thus only by overcoming challenges through personal action does the individual gain the sure knowledge that allows them to reject the false opinion of others.

  3. I know about self-esteem problems, especially when I was younger, to the point of sometimes wishing I was dead. This wasn’t a bad thing, which I can see now only in hindsight. It wasn’t fun at the time.

    It pushed me to go my own way.

    But here’s the thing: I couldn’t just be against something or everything. I had to be for something, Not being for something is like winning the battles but losing the war.

    It seems to me that those that give up do so because they chiseled their beliefs in stone. When the stone crumbles, and it will crumble over time, there’s nothing left. Beliefs must be disposable. If they aren’t modified over time, there is no growth. That’s how I see it.

    • I would say I have a cause, that is to say something to fight for. Freedom, individuality, self-being, self-fulfillment. In my opinion, in a world where the historical and social patterns of human activity do not necessarily favor individual being over herd mentality, rebellion, detachment, and conflict are an inevitable part of my path in some form. I think rebellion and conflict are not the only ways someone like me can express him/herself, or the only things validating life, but at the same time I can understand the inevitably of rebellion being an essential part of a Left Hand Path so long as we live in our kind of world.

      • I think the difference here is you are looking at the big picture and I am looking at the individual.

        You said

        “I do feel that my path tends to consist of maintaining my self-identity and self-belief by fighting the world. Not in the sense that my brother might think about it (opposing the system at large) but in the sense of an individual going against the flow and consistently committing to do so.”

        If you are going against the flow, why not go with your own flow instead of fighting the current in their river? It’s a lot easier.

        What I meant, and I was rather clumsy about it, is that I know I will not change the world. What I meant when I said I go my own way means that I destroyed their influence in my life, in my world. Destroying the macrocosm is out of the question, but destroying their influence in the microcosm is as simple as claiming their destruction. I don’t see how doing this requires a fight or a rebellion, or going against the flow. They go their way, I go mine.

        The world doesn’t like us because they don’t control us. Who cares what they like and don’t like? I can rant for hours on what I don’t like, but it won’t do any good. The indoctrinated can’t be reasoned with. I’ll troll them on occasion, but it’s an entertaining yet wasted effort.

  4. I’m having the same issue right now. Working on a project which has become frustrating. Did a Tarot read this morning and per the cards, I’m struggling with self-doubt. Which is correct – I don’t feel my work is up to par with others in my field.

    One of the hardest things to learn is that you’re not the emotions you’re feeling. Fear, self-doubt, anger – none of these things become a problem until you attach yourself to them. Acknowledge it and where it’s coming from and then set it aside, otherwise it’ll suffocate you.

      • No one’s born into this world an emotional wreck, that’s something that you’re taught. For instance, some people are taught at a young age that love is heart-wrenching. It doesn’t have to be. Ending a relationship is painful and “emotional” but it doesn’t have to be so dramatic where it sends you to the psych ward.

        You can become off balance when you don’t control your emotions or become attached to them. Emotions are just one aspect of your being – not the whole picture.

        My self-doubt is wrapped up in fear – basically fear of failing. I’m a bit of a perfectionist which I learned from my father. By looking at self-doubt in my current situation, I can pinpoint what it’s tied to. But self-doubt/fear is not my true essence. It’s not who I am. It becomes that when I attach myself to it.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s