I was having an appointment with someone from Student Services within the university, and I had the opportunity to talk about an array of subjects primarily relating to my own experience in university, and one thing that got me thinking is an issue of self-confidence. One of the things that bugged me for a long time since my later years at high school when studying art is that I always saw other people’s work and felt that other people had made better-quality work than I did or could do, and in the world of game design this is still an issue where I feel like other people have been more capable in a number of fields than me, particularly asset modelling, digital concept art, and mastering the game engine.
That’s when I got into a discussion about self-belief, which I recall stressing as a virtue. But eventually something got to me: either my own self-belief is not yet as strong as I like to think it is or think it could be, or I’m not doing enough to fight the sense of doubt that I feel at times, particularly in regards to changing the fact that I sometimes don’t think much of my own efforts in what I do. We go through this life and encounter doubts and challenges to our self-esteem, and sometimes we think about ourselves and think that perhaps we haven’t been doing as good a job as we think, and we feel some amount of shame or displeasure because of it, and I don’t think we can always deal with that alone. That’s why it’s great to be able to communicate to others, and allow them to show the way when necessary. If you don’t have this, all you have is being alone with your thoughts, and I don’t think that’s very good when you have that alone. It’s a reminder of something Sean told me: asking for help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness.
I also want to mention that there is one thing I hold about self-belief in particular. I do feel that my path tends to consist of maintaining my self-identity and self-belief by fighting the world. Not in the sense that my brother might think about it (opposing the system at large) but in the sense of an individual going against the flow and consistently committing to do so. I would be mortified if I were to hit by 40’s or older and discover that I had lost my spirit, character, and identity to the weight of the world, like I perceive many people as doing. You know, much like how when people are as young as me they might have a solid idea of who they are and what their values are, but when they get older they hold back, stop committing to their own values, and give up their spirit to the weight of the world. My concern is live authentically and prove my authenticity. So when I argue with my brother on various things, one thing that bothers me is that I can feel like he undermines me or makes me feel like I have less passion than he does, as though he has more spirit than I, but I perceive him to be more simple-minded in arguments sometimes than I because I feel more like giving out moderation, balance, and reason. Well, just wait until the day comes when the boundaries between emotion and intellect, passion and logic, disappear. I can’t be sure yet what would come of it, but think the results might just surprise.