In five days July will pass into August, and it will be exactly two months at the most before I return to university for the second year of my course. Since I do not return to university until either late September or the beginning of October, I still have a lot of time left in my summer break. However, in recent days, I have begun to feel some doubt, disappointment, and anxiety. It’s been probably two months since I was officially finished, and in that time I haven’t ended up doing as much with my summer as I wanted to. So far I have been playing video games, making trips out of town, finishing my lecture notes for Games Design and History (which also allowed me to write “Luciferianism, game design, and the reasons we play video games”), drawing, painting, trying to start guitar lessons with a potential tutor I’ve made an acquaintance with, trying to make my days more organized to facilitate various excursions, and most recently planning and preparing my altar space. And that’s not to mention one other thing I have been longing to do. While some of these activities are actually in full swing, and one or two I’ve actually gotten done with, I feel like I haven’t yet succeeded in making my summer more active in terms of expanding my social life, despite my feelings of confidence regarding such. Because of this, I feel as though, I think that for the first half of my summer break I feel I have not achieved what I wanted to achieve, and have only managed to put mild amounts of excitement.
This wouldn’t be so bad where not for the other side of my anxiety: to make matters worse, there is something that has been at the back of my mind from the last official day of my first year of university. It was on the last Thursday of May, and we all attended one last lecture for the year on the subject of how we did in the presentations (from the point of view of the lecturers at least; we’ve only received official marks for only one module, and we have to be marked by both the lecturers and a separate examining body, which has not yet been done for the other modules), and the lecturers told us that we would all have to step up our efforts in the next year, and that meant doing things pertinent to our course, which means revisiting 3D modelling software and game engines. I want to continue spending summer fulfilling the goals I have outside my course, but at the same time I have continued to fear that if I don’t do anything related to the course in some way, then I might forget what I’ve learned and pay for it dearly when I return to university. I’m kind of at a loose end on how to handle things. If anything, I guess that’s because I’m an arrogant young man, one who doesn’t want to allow himself to be consigned to the same pattern as everyone else in his situation, or to the same pattern he is finding himself in unexpectedly. As I said, I still have a lot of time, but I want to try and put more wilderness into my life and find time to prepare for my next year of university while still being comfortable doing so, all while avoiding the prospect of failing my goals.