For all practical and intensive purposes, I have finished my first year at university. My presentations are over, everything that was meant to be handed in has been handed in, and I have attended one last session for this year concerning preliminary feedback and discussing the second year. While I apparently did well for first year, I felt weighed emotionally for the expectations that are now placed on me for the second year. OK, I don’t have to resit anything or do any flat-out extra work or assignments over summer, but I am expected to spend some time communicating with the group and getting enchanted with software. Actually, it’s not the summer expectations that weigh me down so much as the expectations for the next year.
The second year is set to be so much harder than this year was, and the year after that is only set to be even harder. My worry is that I may not have a lot of down time from October onwards, (with the possible exception of the Christmas and Easter periods, because everything is supposed to be handed in before those periods from now on), and I don’t know if I’ll even survive. The academic process also worries me, as it is implied that I have to justify everything I do and all information I find categorically.
I HATE THAT!
Why? Because I fear that if I come out of that I may stop operating organically and start operating mechanically. That makes me feel disturbed, because I feel it contradicts me as a person, and how I work. I don’t want to end up so tightly-wound and categorical. I only want to do things my own way, and I don’t think I will survive in the course for long. Not because of my work output or how well I do but because of my attitude, because I feel that I will progressively find my attitude does not align with the way my course, or indeed any highly academic environment, will work.
I honestly don’t know how to feel. People in my course are telling me to just relax and enjoy the holidays. I want to! But I can’t feel comfortable with the thought of preparing for what’s to come in the second year. I have many plans for how I want to spend my summer, and frankly my last session in university has put a damper on my day.