Some woes I’ve been feeling for next year

For all practical and intensive purposes, I have finished my first year at university. My presentations are over, everything that was meant to be handed in has been handed in, and I have attended one last session for this year concerning preliminary feedback and discussing the second year. While I apparently did well for first year, I felt weighed emotionally for the expectations that are now placed on me for the second year. OK, I don’t have to resit anything or do any flat-out extra work or assignments over summer, but I am expected to spend some time communicating with the group and getting enchanted with software. Actually, it’s not the summer expectations that weigh me down so much as the expectations for the next year.

The second year is set to be so much harder than this year was, and the year after that is only set to be even harder. My worry is that I may not have a lot of down time from October onwards, (with the possible exception of the Christmas and Easter periods, because everything is supposed to be handed in before those periods from now on), and I don’t know if I’ll even survive. The academic process also worries me, as it is implied that I have to justify everything I do and all information I find categorically.

I HATE THAT!

Why? Because I fear that if I come out of that I may stop operating organically and start operating mechanically. That makes me feel disturbed, because I feel it contradicts me as a person, and how I work. I don’t want to end up so tightly-wound and categorical. I only want to do things my own way, and I don’t think I will survive in the course for long. Not because of my work output or how well I do but because of my attitude, because I feel that I will progressively find my attitude does not align with the way my course, or indeed any highly academic environment, will work.

I honestly don’t know how to feel. People in my course are telling me to just relax and enjoy the holidays. I want to! But I can’t feel comfortable with the thought of preparing for what’s to come in the second year. I have many plans for how I want to spend my summer, and frankly my last session in university has put a damper on my day.

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6 responses to “Some woes I’ve been feeling for next year

  1. I really feel for you with that – when I did my nurse training I had to re-enter a (semi) academic environment (one I didn’t think was actually taught that well I might add), and ever since, in all my dealings with academia in nursing I utterly hated the deadening, controlling, intellectual constraints, the killing of originality, the numbing destruction of any independent love I had for any subject they touched. I got through, it was worth it (purely pragmatically) in the end, that’s as much as I can say, but I did use it, as well as hopefully doing a good job where it mattered, and it was worth it for me. Really, try and relax 😉 if you want the qualification, then it’s a sacrifice for something they won’t understand, but maybe you can use, so try and chill over the Summer, and give yourself a pat on the back 🙂

    • Sometimes I wonder if I still want the qualification. And if I don’t, there are other areas to fall back on, like creative writing, art, even metal music if I can learn to play an instrument. The problem for me is I still like playing video games, but my desire to continue the course and my appreciation for the process for game design is something I have constantly struggled with.

      • maybe you could assess how useful a skill it is going to be to fall back on (in paying the rent), and what the alternatives realistically are. I’ve no doubt that you are a creative and intelligent person, but it’s also maybe a question of what people will pay you for, and what that might save you in terms of dead end, low paying jobs. But if someone really wants to go for being a musician or an artist say, I would never try to discourage them in their passion. It might be an idea to just let it simmer for the Summer and then see how you feel? Good luck with it in any case 🙂

  2. Well done on passing your first year, it seems like only yesterday you were writing about your plans to start university. The academic process in the West feels like it is designed to create academics rather than anything else, certainly a process that seems to dislike and kill creativity.

    • I remember watching a program called “London Calling” (I think) once. It was about graphic art made in 1970s and I think the 1980s as well, mainly for sleeves. Towards the end I heard about how today’s art schools are ultimately geared towards getting a job. Not sure if he’s right, but if he is this then does not bode well for my situation.

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