Last night I had a brief moment when I felt like there might be an ogre in me that I don’t like. An ogre that stifles serenity and harmony when it gets the chance and preventing me from listening to people.. And I worry that stubbornness, the very same trait I had enshrined before, might actually be that ogre.
In the past I had felt like an asshole for not listening to people who are trying to help me because I was stubborn, and now I fear I may be blocked from serenity and harmony because of stubbornness. I also feel like I was stubborn because I feared being a victim of upheaval and change when in fact whatever change I may experience might not be so huge or detracting to who I am after all. I like to think I never back down if I think I’m right, and for me sticking to your guns and who you are is a good thing, but I think I have conflated stubbornness with the the virtues of the warrior, when in fact, stubbornness might actually be little more than self-stifling refusal to listen and be receptive, which would result in the incapability to adopt new perspectives without bending over in submission. I embrace stubbornness because in the past it also meant being like a warrior and never backing down, and now I feel like I don’t need to be stubborn to do that.
This of course is creating a dilemma for me. By rejecting stubbornness, I must abandon the deity Chi You because he represented stubbornness in divine form, and enshrine a new deity instead of him. I think I may need some help on this, or some time to think about it.