Two days I had a conversation that led me to feel reminded of a very important reason why I adore warriors (or more or less the idea of the warrior, and I guess Oriental stuff by the same virtue), the weapons of warriors, the warrior deities of Asia, the fierce divine images such as Kirtimukha and the leontocephaline, and the ferocious wrathful deities of Tibet, and I guess the same reason why heavy metal, action heroes, and the color red, or even some aspects of the rest of religion, are all endearing to me: it’s because of a spirit I have (not spirit as in demon or ghost) inside me, a spirit that I believe makes me who I am.
I think I’ve had this spirit all my life, but it’s not manifested in the same way all my life. As a kid I don’t think I was as aware as I am know, and I was very aware of the images I know frequently associate with or their aesthetic and spiritual value, but I think I was a very energetic kid and I had passion in me as a teenager, if any of that counts. The spirit I have has never changed. I have grown, but I’ve never really changed or lost the spirit I have, even if I don’t always have the opportunity to manifest it as actions.
I’m tempted to think it’s the same spirit that draws me to the Fires of Chaos, or that the spirit itself is the Fires of Chaos manifest in some way. Or perhaps it is the chthonic flame I have spoken of once before. Or perhaps, it is a slightly different fire: one I call the Fire of Spirit. Or it is the flames of both Chaos and spirit, but that would be something wouldn’t it?
Whatever the case, I cannot allow that spirit to be lost. Not ever. Not to any winter, not to the weight of the world, not to the troubles of this life, not to any kind of despair. I swear to do as I have always done, and continue to honor that which makes me who I am. And I’ve got a feeling is that as I stay close to everything I value (and keep listening to heavy metal music 😉 ), I won’t have to worry since I seem to keep coming back to it, though I wish I didn’t have to worry about losing myself. But of course, wishing won’t make it so.