What will I have to show for myself, and for what?

Many times during my course I still have doubts, and I still have difficulty coming to terms with the course and trying to manage it alongside my regular lifestyle. Many times I still wish I had a much simpler life, but at the same time, in my mind, I want to keep going only because it’s still too soon. On the other hand, I’m tempted to even see failure as a kind of freedom, because things are only going to get more complicated from here.

I have been learning recently that at least in university you get to be creative in the course, or at least for a while. Once graduates actually enter the video games industry and begin their potential careers, they will work for companies and have to follow the vision presented by those companies, rather than their own creative vision and spirit. From the time you write your dissertation to the time you start working in the industry, you’re doing things based on how you’re told and you’re doing what your told. Such a tepid fate, then again I should probably have thought about that before considering my choice in the first place.

That all aside, the point is not what I might have to deal with. The point is what will come of it. If I pass what will I have to show for it? If I get a career in games design what will I have to show for it? One of the only things worse than servitude is being rewarded for servitude. The thought of not creating for my own sake is bad enough, but the thought of being rewarded for not creating for my own sake is even worse because I’d be rewarded for being a cog in a machine for whatever toads I might be working for. It sickens me. It is almost like the thought of being rewarded for participating in various social traditions I don’t agree with. And I’m inclined to think it’s all because we live in a world that is based on the group or the tribe, not the individual.

That last part aside, at the end of the day, I’m just disillusioned. I’m disconsolate over the thought that I would be rewarded for falling in line at the cost of not creating for myself, and what do I have to show for myself in this life now? Meanwhile, there are others in my society who mindlessly go with the flow, follow their stupid artificial norms, and have children and equally vacuous romantic partners to show for their miserable selves. I may be ranting a bit, even moping, but that’s honestly how I feel about my situation. I feel disenchanted and trapped. I don’t have a strong desire to quit, just yet, but still that negativity remains, along with a sense of a time soon to come where I either continue to struggle and fail, or something else happens.

Through all this though there is something I have been thinking about. That knowledge might set me free from this negativity and doubt, or at least make me feel better. Countless times I am told that learning more on my own would help me through this whole thing. The right conditions are in the process of being set up, and soon, maybe this will prove true.


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