Lust, fear, mortification, and shame

Yesterday for me has been in a small way a day of personal shame, and of renewal. Last month I began to develop a worry that indulging in a personal pleasure (you know the kind I mean, I just prefer to be discreet) would hamper me feeling attracted to people in real life. Since then I thought of temporarily abstaining for a while, but it has not been working. All it did was make me feel anxious and want release even more. And eventually I learned that I was wrong, that there was no evidence of my worry being valid.

When I looked back, I remembered that I had one or two crushes, and before that I still indulged regularly (not all the time though), so apparently it didn’t affect anything and I worried about my normal habits for nothing. I felt ashamed that I was effectively mortifying myself for nothing, all because of the fear that sometimes overcomes me, a fear of what might happen to me in the future and how things might turn out for me.

I felt such shame for that near-betrayal, and gratitude for the guy who answered my questions, that now I feel back in my ways, safe in the knowledge that I don’t really have an addictive personality anyway, and in my realization of my mistake.


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