I have been meditating in solitude for a while last night, I was meditating on freedom from expectations, and something in my mind clicked and told me I might have some work to do.
A few hours before the meditation, I had been locking horns with my brother and he kinda managed to make me feel weak and undermined, and this is bad for me because I always wanted to feel like a warrior (why else would I hold confidence and will so highly besides my belief in freedom?). But later on I felt like a mess for letting myself feel so week. Not only did my meditative session make me feel better, it made me feel like I don’t have to try so hard to feel strong, and that I shouldn’t allow anything to make me feel weak.
I also felt I should me more disregarding of a sense of expectation regarding musical taste. I love metal, and I still do (I even kinda dress very similar to my idea of old school heavy metal fashion), but I don’t think I act the same way as many fans, and I shouldn’t worry about going into the world that university will present and worry about being judged by other metal fans, and while I’m at it I should probably shed some of my own expectations of other metal fans too. I also seem to be partial to other forms of rock out there (or should that be WERE out there, I tend to be rather old school anyway despite never having been a kid in the 1980’s) as I already have been anyway, and recently I’m even taking a liking to a few of New Order’s old material and a few other songs that my brother knows that have I sound (or sounds) I like that’s in a different area of music, or at least just a different area of rock music.
Speaking of New Order, I kinda feel like this kind of music represents a slight affinity towards a sense of harmony, this concept of a calm and even mystical sense of order without high and mighty oppression, and ethereality, though some of it is a little more sly and cool that that (which isn’t a bad thing), whereas most of my favorite music reflects a either wildness, confidence, and attitude, or a raw force, and a righteous feeling in both (sometimes I also find this in hardcore punk too). I feel lately like co-existence is the best possible solution. I don’t have to enforce equality. If I like something I like it, if that’s still mostly heavy metal, with even just a little bit of other rock and other music coexisting, then that’s fine, and it should be fine for me. Some might even call it moderation.
In general, I think I should worry less about judgments towards me, or the possiblity of judgments, and just think nothing of expectations, as the more I think about them, the more bound to them I risk feeling. I also think I should meditate more, it really helps.
By the way, while meditating, I did an Om Namah Shivaya chant with the mala again. I don’t think the counting was perfect, but that doesn’t matter because the chant made me feel good, and I feel it may have contributed to a sense of calm and harmony. Maybe that’s because I still have an affinity for Shiva, but then if I’m reminded of my sense of harmony, then hell even Vishnu makes me think of that sense of harmony. Nonetheless, I gotta say chanting the chant of Shiva felt good. I should do it more, preferably alongside Satanic chants though.