I was undertaking a journey by train to the place where my university was, to visit and to get used to the place. After I completed my walk to and back from campus, I sat down at a cafe and my mother was there talking about support. After a while, I started to feel like an asshole for being so untrusting, cynical, even somewhat mentally hostile, not just to the world around me but to people who have supported me, which includes my mother who has in her own way tried to help me through each new step I try to make in life.
When I was what they call a teenager, I trusted no one, I cared for only so few, and every time I tried to be a saint it fell on its ass. It’s not that I was a particularly mean or rough kid or that I had led a life of mistreatment, I just didn’t trust the world around me and just wanted to be left alone. The only people I trusted were either pretty young girls or people who I considered friends, or in general people who I knew I had to work with (though in that case I still didn’t entirely have a lot of faith in them). I think this withdrawal from the world and mistrust of most people, coupled with a lack of wisdom and insight regarding the world, a darkness and loneliness regarding love and sex, and a fear of how people judge you had built up, remained in my life and made me feel like I had to hide from the world (which is part of the reason I have this pseudonym for the blog, because I felt a need to hide from people in the real world about certain things).
Social media combined with the self-afforded privilege of a pseudonym, believe it or not, has probably made things worse. I felt comfortable to do foolish things, sometimes out of unfulfilled desire and little idea how to do it with dignity and respect, and I thought I could explore a sense of fantasy with a pseudonym and an outlet to do so, but then it would only reveal itself to be a painful and embarrassing form of foolishness on top of a relationship that died partly because of it, and I felt guilty especially if I bring it up and talk to people about it. And the worst thing about it is that felt emotionally self-tortured because of the past and I worried that stupid shit I did in the past might come back to me and people might use that to judge me and mock me, affording themselves the right to not see me for my virtues. Thank gods I have friends who assure me, in their own experience and wisdom, that people don’t really care what you do on the Internet or the past (in general at least).
Not only that, but I’m lead to doubt about myself, my motives, my reasons for how I act, even though I have a good friend who assures me I don’t have to worry about my core self changing and it’s all so simple.
I also feel like a real dick for assuming the world to be more cutthroat, assholish, and judgmental than it actually is, and to underestimate people’s tolerance and compassion without ever seeing it before my eyes. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s stupid and insanely naive to be totally optimistic, but it’s torturous and miserable to be totally pessimistic, and lonely on top of that, though this is just as good a reason to see good and bad in life at the same time. And looking back on last night, I feel some shame that I fell into such a torturous state and felt so weak and depressed, even though I maintain a feeling of a need for compassion (without wasting it of course).
I feel like my adolescent pride was keeping me from trusting my parents because I thought of them as cramping my style, taking excessive curiosity in my affairs and interests, and trying to reign shit in on me that I didn’t need, but they do still care and they’re trying to help me through this particular stage in life that I’m going through (let’s face it, in the university stage life is tough and you very often need what help you can get). As today went on it actually begins to remind me of something Anton LaVey once stated in the Nine Satanic Sins, a guideline he created in 1987 consisting of actions that followers of LaVeyan Satanism should avoid. The following quote in particular is taken from his statement on counterproductive pride:
“Pride is great up to the point you begin to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The rule of Satanism is: if it works for you, great. When it stops working for you, when you’ve painted yourself into a corner and the only way out is to say, I’m sorry, I made a mistake, I wish we could compromise somehow, then do it.”
And that’s kind of similar how I feel like. Although I don’t have to apologize to anyone currently, I feel there needs to be some changes in terms of what I do. I need to be more trusting and free myself of delusionally excessive cyncism without subjecting myself to total airheaded just-as-delusional optimism, I need to undo what foolishness I feel I have fallen into in the past, and try to be a little more tolerant and forgiving myself, because anyone can act like a fool sometimes.
You know, I can’t help noticing I seemed to have been leaving this month and entering the next on something of a dark tone. Is it a coincidence? Is there something connecting it all?