Lust, love, relationships, depression, and angst

Yesterday I’ve been feeling very sad, and I even cried a little, while doing some retrospective editing on the blog. I was thinking about lust and love, my past and present attitudes towards them, how no one taught me anything when I became a teenager, and how I have had not fulfilled my desires (love included). It all made me feel depressed for a while, for many reasons.

I thought about how things in the past were influencing foolish ideas in me and casanova fantasies, despite that all I really wanted was a girlfriend who would accept me for who I am, support me, and help me fulfil my desires, and whom I would love back for all of that. When I was younger I was being conditioned and kept in a bubble against the more mature and darker aspects of the world that I would now glamorize. This also meant a kind of artificially created naivety regarding sex that came from the bubble, and when my mom tried to teach me anything when I was 13-14, I was a scared off and my mom gave up on me. In high school we only got one sex education class, and whatever lessons it offered were never reinforced. Don’t be confused, I know the score, but no thanks to the people around me who were supposed to teach me when I was becoming a teenager. Anyways, not one person taught me anything substantial about relationships back when I could have needed it when I was 13-16 years old. Don’t people know that you’re supposed to talk to young people about these things, and in a frank and open manner? Of course in recent years I’ve been learning about handling relationships (no thanks to my parents, school, or TV), but this is because I have friends who I can trust. Can you imagine how things would be for me if I learned from family at a younger age and they hadn’t given up on me?

Reflecting on it, I felt like my suffering was really the fault of the environment I was in, the bubble they were raising around me, and the attitudes towards sex present in the society I live in, which were either prudish, stuck-up, nervous, preachy, or condescending (or at least that’s how I felt, but even today I don’t trust society’s attitudes). I felt like my anguish and loneliness what not have been there if it weren’t for that. But then, I can’t put all the blame on the outside world and people around me. After all, in this case, there’s plenty of the blame that rests with myself. I mean think about it: when I was 13-14 years old, I was reclusive, I hardly trusted anyone around me, much less people in general. I wanted most people to leave me alone (though I didn’t have that attitude towards immediate classmates). I was wary of people’s obnoxiousness a lot, and was put off by other guys being obnoxious and seemingly thick-headed and oafish or brutish. I could tell I was nothing like them nor did I want to be that way.. I trusted my parents and family members even less (except for my brother with whom I was still usually friends with), same with most grown-ups. I just wanted to be in my own world and be happy there, and I felt like everyone was trying to drag me out of it for no good reason. To me it seemed like the adults who tried to help me were always so forceful and chaperone-ish, even if for all I knew they probably weren’t (or at least didn’t try to be that way). Who I am as you know it may have found its way to the outside world, but I think I was only comfortable expressing it at home or with a few trusting people. And of course, only a few people understood my feelings or even cared. And of course, I was pretty susceptible to either foolish ideas or foolish interpretations of good ideas, that or I just didn’t think on the same level of what we might call maturity as I do now. Thank gods I didn’t actually get to the point where I’d be breaking hearts everywhere I went.

The entire picture made be pretty damn depressed yesterday, thinking about how I and the world around me ruined things for me them by keeping me in the dark and by me staying reclusive and private, and how lack of education and openness about the things that really mattered to me as a young person (and still matter today) has scarred me personally. Now these scars might be healing, or if not they will soon, I still keep a youthful spirit or try to do so, I still have my lust, and as I keep saying a million times, I still support casual sex, lustful desires, sexual permissiveness and people’s right to choose their lifestyles, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in that time about these things and I don’t reckon I’ll be thinking about them the same way.

And by the way, let the word be be known: sex education is important for young people, no doubt about it, and don’t give up on them, otherwise they end up as ignorant wrecks, and they may not regret it immediately, but they will soon. We as people must never forget to teach our youth that sex and lust aren’t evil, and how to handle sex, love, and relationships.

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10 responses to “Lust, love, relationships, depression, and angst

  1. Great blog post! I can relate in many ways to what you are saying. I, myself am a gay man who became promiscuous in my early teens with older men and I embraced it. But I do agree that teens need to be better educated and should not be made to think that lust and desire is wrong, because it is part of our nature. Too many people are brainwashed by organized religions and society saying its wrong because it’s what they were taught and people only know what they are taught unless they are able to truly think for themselves and open their mind. Sure, talking about these things to a younger person would be awkward, but when it’s their own offspring, they need to learn to step out of their own comfort zone a bit, especially to properly educate.

  2. don’t be depressed hun, it will all work out. I know that’s hard to do and easy to say as I battle with depression as well, so I’ve taken to writing about horrible dates… check out my blog and you might find yourself laughing despite your emotional state. 😀 lovely post btw

    • Don’t worry about my emotional state. I’m fine today. My depression was yesterday, though obviously I still had to channel it for this blog post. I didn’t post it yesterday because usually I don’t like posting twice on the same day (though I used to do it often when my first started). That said, thanks. 🙂

  3. My parents never talked to us about anything. Everything I know, my older sister told me. She had to talk to an older lady that lived across the street from us in order to get the info. For some parents it’s either don’t discuss it or scare them half to death. People always say “I wish my parents would have told me that when I was growing up” – exactly, so make sure you tell your children so they won’t have to go through what you went through.

      • Well, my issues are a little “complicated”, besides struggling with my sexuality I have also have child sexual abuse issues and I’m a recovering alcoholic. So yeah, talking about sex when I was younger would have helped me tremendously.

      • It was a cycle in my family though. My maternal grandmother was assaulted by her step-father so she never talked to my mom and aunts about sex. It was probably too difficult for her. My mom never talked to me or my sister about sex. She said she didn’t know how because they never talked about it with their mom. So, it was a cycle and unfortunately a cycle of abuse followed.

        My sister and I are the opposite with our thinking though. We’re the ‘talk about it with your kids so the cycle won’t continue’ type of people. I watched a tv program, can’t remember the title, where a woman was confronting her mother about being abused when she was younger and not feeling that she could talk about it with her. Her mother then told her that when she was younger she was abused as well. Sadly, they never talked about sex/relationships or anything that even came close to dealing with this topics.

        So I feel that talking about it would help a lot of kids for various reasons, one being issues dealing with possible abuse.

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