Yesterday I was attending the wedding of one of my relatives, which, yes means I had to go to church before any indulgences. Fortunately I didn’t burst into flames! Seriously though I did manage to resist the church atmosphere and I didn’t sing or recite any Christian hymns and prayers (though a bit of Venom would help too when I got back). After the service, before, during, and after the indulgence and celebrations, me and my brother got into deep conversation, and we learned some things.
First I talked about love, inspired by a speech made by one of my relatives and read by one of my uncles. I immediately thought it referred to a love that I felt was either a lie or beyond reach (love not being judgmental, jealous, rude, keeping record of wrongdoings, delighting in evil etc.), followed by relaying to him my experiences with my former crush. But to be fair, it is not love that judges, keeps record of wrongdoing, is jealous, or delights in evil (after all love is blind, no, retarded), it is lovers, and I just have bad experiences with love, and love making a stupid dick out of me. Eventually I mentioned how I felt that, while real love from someone is something I’d totally want, at the same time I feel like love as it’s presented to me as something of a joke, or something that has been mythologized.
After we talked about drugs and alcohol, our different opinions regarding capitalism and greed (my brother views capitalism as the faulty system, I view the problem as greed and individuals making a mockery of capitalism) and about the impermanence of civilizations and corporate powers, we started talking about our own roads to self-identity. Before then, we mentioned our ideas regarding the spiritual (my brother’s an atheist who I don’t think he ever believed in the spiritual, while I always had a feeling there was a spiritual side of the world, and that the material and the spiritual realms inspire each other), and our goals. After mentioning to him my doubts about children and being a family man, we both brought to point that I was young and what do you think my priorities are when I’m young? Having fun, finding love, and getting some. Which brings me to my goals: in the spiritual realm this is spiritual immortality and paradise, in another sense it is the survival and continued manifestation of my self and will, in the material sense it’s having unconditional love from a partner of my dreams (and be all I want with her, and I’d pay her back for all of it), and getting some and enjoying all the pleasures I want to enjoy.
As we talked, my brother mentioned his non-romantic relationship with a female friend of hers as a bringer of light and wisdom, and eventually I interpreted this as her being a Lucifer for him, one who I feel is helping him awaken his true will, and bring him knowledge of who he really is and his calling. He also mentions plenty of people he thinks may be seeking to prevent this and keep him the way they expect him to be. I referred to him the Christian concept of demons as being who lead you astray, and the Hindu concept of Maya, or illusion. You could also refer to the Buddhist Mara, as a being who tempts humans from enlightenment. I refer to him as a seeker, though a late in life seeker and not really interested in the spiritual, still I refer him to religious and spiritual ideas and understandings as frameworks of understanding (coming from a mostly Catholic family makes this seem rather natural actually). I feel that once he reaches this self-knowledge, he will attain a kind of gnosis, and thus transform from seeker to gnostic, which makes me rather excited for him!
I mentioned my own path, the path of the dark side of me coming out and finally being embraced as a part of me, and how bickering with him over what toys or trading cards to possess has evolved into a quest and passion for self-identity, initially through the prism of astrology and elements (which you could say was an early interest in and step towards my modern background in mythology, religion, spirituality, and the esoteric), and through all this eventually having clear picture of who I am and what I believe, thus the path of self-identity and bringing clarity to a confused mind.
I mentioned my goals to him again, and a personal lesson that arrived to me on Friday (which I neglected to mention earlier on this site), about opening up to people being the path to friendship, pleasures, and love in this world. I cannot find what I want by being distant, alone, and detached, and I feel I’ve been too withdrawn out of distrust of people and will continue to be lonely because of it and generally suffer inside in the long term. The only way to have more friends, experience more joys in the outside world, and find love, is to open up to people, and really push myself to do it. I know I can do it if I try. I’ll have an opportunity when I begin university, but why wait on something that I can work on much sooner?
Maybe it was to do with us wearing suits in a fancy place, but we felt very intellectual towards each other. During the conversation as a whole, I think I felt as wise and perceptive as a serpent, I felt like I might have had something of a spiritual experience (flavored with some jokes), the kind that only two brothers can have by sharing thoughts and experiences, and ways of seeing them, with each other. Thus, attending the celebrations was truly a blessing and a wonderful opportunity.
EDIT: I forgot to mention with my brother that I effectively serve the role of Satan as the adversary, playing on both Jewish ideas and what Tadashi told me about how adversity is the forge of the soul. I pick on him, fight him often, and often tear into what he values. Part of me wants to see him squirm in the way that brothers will, but I also don’t like it when feels dominated or oppressed. That’s not what I want out of his experience with me as an adversary. As his adversary I aim to teach him to fight for what he believes in without submitting, to completely remove oppression and doubt from his mental sphere. You could see that as my role as an adversary. That’s in his sphere and perspective anyway. In any case, I hope that just as he will go from seeker to gnostic, I will rise from a serpent to a dragon.