On this site I tend to display some strength of will and conviction, or at least that’s how I see it. At home, others may put me down or try to disempower me, and I resent that a lot. As well as when I’m made to feel that anything I say, do, or feel is wrong, and when my brother asks me to lie about my feelings to keep the peace.
I resent being made to feel like I don’t have much power, which I sometimes end up feeling. Nurturing the will can probably heal that but still.
I just want to live a life where I can live somewhat carefree, do what I want, and be happy, and have a fine degree of choice without anything being decided for me. But family tends to ruin that, especially my sister.
When they rip on me for not doing anything, that’s all they do. They don’t encourage me to do anything with any incentive.
This morning, the negativity I feel spilled over when I was asked about my feelings, and I was just frustrated. I can’t pray to anyone (for who can I pray to when I will be given no salvation?), and I’m not sure how to dig myself out. I am not sure what will happen after my feelings spill out, but I’m waiting for the rest of turmoil, and trying to get back up.