I’ve been feeling quite depressed for much of the day in art college. For starters, the weather was terrible and I might’ve been late, then my photography tutor had me critiquing BA artwork, I mean actually critiquing work, filling boxes. I wasn’t really interested in critiquing. But then she had me making something to promote myself, like a business card or a poster. You would think money would be a tempting promise, but in this I don’t think the money is worth it.
What made me feel depressed is that I actually had plans for today. Productive plans in fact. I was going to discuss image presentation and polishing, and I was planning on making a large painting about chaos. I was eventually able to make the painting, but not the presentation. Added to that, I had to do stuff I did not ever care about, there’s the same shit when teachers perscribe that I do a task and I set out to do it only for tutors to prevent me from doing it, and to top it all off, and this is what this post is about, when I try to think about defying anything, I just remember the times I promise to disobey and end up failing to live up to that promise. And there’s the fact that this week there’s the goddamned inspections happening in college, which make for stricter timetables for a whole week.
How do I live with that violating feeling? Hell, how even do tutors live with bastardizing the plans of students to actually work? The tutors, and my mom, think it’s all necessary, but I don’t. I felt so depressed and empty that I almost cried, in front of a computer no less, but somehow, perhaps miraculously, I didn’t. Maybe I just wasn’t sad enough. It’s times like these that having someone special in my life would really take the pain away. Sure I do talk to friends, but it doesn’t help much.
The good news is that I wasn’t depressed at the very end. As I said earlier, I did manage to make my large painting, and in the end, heavy metal does heal these wounds. But I can’t forget it until it’s over. Besides, I didn’t make the business card anyway. I just made a poster. But the tutor didn’t care. I’m dissatisfied with that, mainly because it didn’t have much impact or triumph. I wonder, do I have the strength? Will I ever get the chance to disobey in a big, or at least meaningful way?
If you’re reading this, then thanks for listening to my gripes.