This is a rant on a television character I despise more than Marge Simpson. Alan Harper. Oh how do I hate thee? Let me counteth the ways…
You know, besides how damned ugly he is newer seasons (that just screams a pathetic man). And he looks like a dork too. Incidentally, I’m only focusing on the seasons where Charlie Sheen is involved since I don’t care at all for the Ashton Kutcher era.
He’s an annoying uptight moralist (actually little more than a jealous prick)
He likes to talk down to his (infinitely cooler) brother Charlie, and his own son Jake. He never seems to tire of pushing petty moralism on Charlie with regards to his hedonistic lifestyle, and tries to peck down on his son when he has any fun or discovers something adult. He’s very pushy, to the point of tyrannical, as a parent, even for supposedly good intentions such as helping Jake with his education. The worst part of his moralism towards Charlie is that it’s completely fake. I mean think about it. Charlies has a great life, and no matter what plot garbage the writers throw in to make it seem like he doesn’t truly enjoy it, he does. Alan meanwhile is a dorky, weak, neurotic mess who is, let’s face it, jealous of the good life Charlie has, and he espouses his petty moralism against Charlie mainly because he just wants to see Charlie lowered to his level, just for some smug satisfaction. And he’s never really honest about it at all.
He can’t get over being divorced
Until Season 7, Alan is completely unable to realize that his relationship with Judith (who I’ll admit is equally tyrannical if not more so). In early seasons, he tries so hard to restore his relationship with Judith, but it’s completely pointless since Judith herself is uninterested in getting back, especially when she later got a new husband. Through seasons 1-8, this leads to Alan developing inhibitions towards dating other women. And I’m starting to think his sick fetish for pregnancy (in the episode “Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head”) has something to do with this.
He’s a leech
All Alan does is mooch off of Charlie, and Walden in the new series, and has never truly settled in a house of his own. He almost did on more than one occaision (at one time with his new, and mediocre, wife Lindsey), but he always ends up coming back to leech some more. At first, he wasn’t really a leech. He just needed somewhere to stay until he can get back up. But as the show goes on, we find he is still sleeping in Charlie’s guest room. And we get to the point where you’d think “OK, he’s been living in his brother’s home and mooching off him for years now. When is he gonna move out into a home of his own?”
He’s a loser
Probably the ultimate reason I hate him, possibly drawing from all other reason is that he’s a loser. A sad, pathetic, ugly, dorky, cheap, bore of a loser who never stood up for himself at all, and I’m inclinded to believe doesn’t deserve whatever woman he gets. He’s a control freak. He’s often afraid of, and manipulated by, women. He doesn’t stand up for himself no matter what. And are we to sympathize with that? I certainly won’t. I want to see him get torn to smithereens or ripped apart just because he’s so petty, uptight, and pathetic that I never want to deal with him. But no, Charlie gets killed off instead, and with a psuedo-Jesus as his replacement (though actually promoted Walden as being Jesus-like early on).
I think Charlie put it best in the episode “Woo-hoo, A Hernia Exam”: “When life gives me lemons, I make lemonade. When life gives you lemons, you bite into them and suck ‘em dry”.
It’s also really sad that Alan is the only character in the show to appear in every episode of the show. That’s fucking sad indeed!