Why I hate Alan Harper from Two and a Half Men

This is a rant on a television character I despise more than Marge Simpson. Alan Harper. Oh how do I hate thee? Let me counteth the ways…

You know, besides how damned ugly he is newer seasons (that just screams a pathetic man). And he looks like a dork too. Incidentally, I’m only focusing on the seasons where Charlie Sheen is involved since I don’t care at all for the Ashton Kutcher era.

He’s an annoying uptight moralist (actually little more than a jealous prick)

He likes to talk down to his (infinitely cooler) brother Charlie, and his own son Jake. He never seems to tire of pushing petty moralism on Charlie with regards to his hedonistic lifestyle, and tries to peck down on his son when he has any fun or discovers something adult. He’s very pushy, to the point of tyrannical, as a parent, even for supposedly good intentions such as helping Jake with his education. The worst part of his moralism towards Charlie is that it’s completely fake. I mean think about it. Charlies has a great life, and no matter what plot garbage the writers throw in to make it seem like he doesn’t truly enjoy it, he does. Alan meanwhile is a dorky, weak, neurotic mess who is, let’s face it, jealous of the good life Charlie has, and he espouses his petty moralism against Charlie mainly because he just wants to see Charlie lowered to his level, just for some smug satisfaction. And he’s never really honest about it at all.

He can’t get over being divorced

Until Season 7, Alan is completely unable to realize that his relationship with Judith (who I’ll admit is equally tyrannical if not more so). In early seasons, he tries so hard to restore his relationship with Judith, but it’s completely pointless since Judith herself is uninterested in getting back, especially when she later got a new husband. Through seasons 1-8, this leads to Alan developing inhibitions towards dating other women. And I’m starting to think his sick fetish for pregnancy (in the episode “Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head”) has something to do with this.

He’s a leech

All Alan does is mooch off of Charlie, and Walden in the new series, and has never truly settled in a house of his own. He almost did on more than one occaision (at one time with his new, and mediocre, wife Lindsey), but he always ends up coming back to leech some more. At first, he wasn’t really a leech. He just needed somewhere to stay until he can get back up. But as the show goes on, we find he is still sleeping in Charlie’s guest room. And we get to the point where you’d think “OK, he’s been living in his brother’s home and mooching off him for years now. When is he gonna move out into a home of his own?”

He’s a loser

Probably the ultimate reason I hate him, possibly drawing from all other reason is that he’s a loser. A sad, pathetic, ugly, dorky, cheap, bore of a loser who never stood up for himself at all, and I’m inclinded to believe doesn’t deserve whatever woman he gets. He’s a control freak. He’s often afraid of, and manipulated by, women. He doesn’t stand up for himself no matter what. And are we to sympathize with that? I certainly won’t. I want to see him get torn to smithereens or ripped apart just because he’s so petty, uptight, and pathetic that I never want to deal with him. But no, Charlie gets killed off instead, and with a psuedo-Jesus as his replacement (though actually promoted Walden as being Jesus-like early on).

I think Charlie put it best in the episode “Woo-hoo, A Hernia Exam”: “When life gives me lemons, I make lemonade. When life gives you lemons, you bite into them and suck ‘em dry”.

It’s also really sad that Alan is the only character in the show to appear in every episode of the show. That’s fucking sad indeed!

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50 Responses to Why I hate Alan Harper from Two and a Half Men

  1. Two and a half men hasn’t been good for a number of years now but they really should have ended it when Charlie Sheen went off on one. The new seasons make no sense at all. I agree Alan is a dick and I don’t think originally you were really meant to like him but as the series has went on and they killed off Charlie Alan has become almost the main character, which in itself is quite sad and pathetic. How can I sympathise with your main character if he has no redeeming qualities at all? What I really don’t understand further is how Jon Cryer keeps getting nominated for awards. Are you serious voting committees?

    • Maybe the voting committees are either themselves neurotic, or simply fans of moralistic (whether fake or not) dicks. Judith and Evelyn also suck, Judith mainly for being both a parental moralist and a hypocrite, and Evelyn for, well, just being Evelyn.

    • don says:

      If you can separate the actor from the character then you can understand why he was nomnominated. Jon is a good actor but alan is an annannoying dork

      • I TRIED TO WATCH 2 1/2 MEN TONIGHT BUT ALAN, JON CRYER’S CHARACTER JUST INSULTS WHAT LITTLE INTELLIGENCE I HAVE LEFT. LORD THE SHOW IS GETTING MORE AND MORE STUPID. THE PROBLEM IS THEY ARE ALL GETTING STUPID. I WOULD THINK THIS SHOULD BE THE LAST SEASON. IT IS SICKENING. MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. I KEEP HOPING IT MIGHT BE FUNNY AGAIN LIKE IT WAS IN THE BEGINNING WHEN CHARLIE SHEEN WAS ON. AND WHY IN THE WORLD IS CHARLIE SHEEN’S ILLIGETIMATE LONG LOST LESBIAN DAUGHTER NOW LIVING OFF OF WALDEN? WHAATT!

      • fatirah aziz says:

        The show died when Charlie left, imo. They should have replaced Alan with Walden; at least it may have been tolerable. Jon is drawing on his own personality (isn’t that what actors do?) to play Alan Harper. He must be a disgusting penurious, self righteous azzhole in real life too.

    • JzzE1 says:

      The nominations are for an actor who PORTRAYS a character very well. You may not like Alan Harper, but Jon acts his azz off to get you to hate that character and obviously he’s try successful at it.

      • fatirah aziz says:

        It’s not difficult to ‘act your azz off’, when you’re just being yourself, miserable cretin that he is!

  2. Tyron says:

    Alan is a manipulative,vindictive, faggot that just sucks people dry!! He is a parasitic leech I really REALLY hate him I wish I could just fuck him up solidly! Two and a half men is a complete load of shit now that Charlies gone Charlie made that show! And don’t let me get started on Jake he is such a stupid retard I bet that wanker doesn’t even know how to wipe his own ass! Alan is just like Randal from Monsters inc he’s like a slippery wet evil little gay spineless slithering vermin like thing that’s just sitting waiting to latch on to his next victim and since charlies gone I can’t change the channel quick enough when two and a half fuck ups comes on PHEW!!! Felt good to get that off my chest hahaha

  3. Pingback: Alright, Two and a Half Men is doomed | The SMAGIC Blog

  4. Jules says:

    I’m watching an old episode right now, God I hate this guy so much. He’s useless, he’s a damn leech who can’t even stand for himself.
    His character is awful, he’s an asshole. Every time he shows up in his sad underwear I want to beat the shit out of him, The show died along with Charlie. Alan Harper sucks and has to die.

  5. DragonVamp says:

    He is the most obnoxious MoFo SOB ever… if i ever get to write the script..i’ll feed him to hyena’s alive.

  6. fatirah says:

    OMG! I came to this blog nearly by accident and I’m soooooo happy that I did! I totally loathe Alan Harper! I spent more time hating him, than I did laughing at Charlie’s antics. (the show is dead to me,with Charlie gone! Nothing against Ashton Kucher but I want Charlie back! The only person worthwhile on the show now is Berta) Alan has NO redeeming qualities, and all fhe adjectives that people have said about his character are just so on point. I have never actively disliked a character on a television show before, but I could reach out and bitch slap Alan with his self righteous, pompous self. How can he be nominated for ANYTHING except asshole leech of the year! And that fake snorty laugh of his! Ugh! And those ugly shirts! He is a sneak, a liar, a hypocrite, a fake and a moron Phew! Thanks for letting me vent!

  7. don says:

    Jon cryer is a great actor. It is remarkable how he can play such docky and annoying character like alan for 8 years without flinching. On the other hand there’s no reason for the show to continue with out Charlie

  8. Andy says:

    I feel a little different. The first is Jon Cryer is a very good actor. I agree the show should have died with Charlie…for crying out loud the new TAAHM does not even have Jake anymore. I thought Alan was hilarious when the show dealt with Charlie. Now the Alan character is horrendus and he has got to be the most pathetic character I have ever seen. He makes Al Bundy look like a winner.

    • fatirah says:

      I agree that Cryer is a very good actor. So why do I despise him more than I ever did JR. Ewing, and others who also played despicable characters? He MUST be REALLY good, cause I think his personality must be a little like that in real life. I just can hardly bear to look at his face sometimes!

  9. fidelma says:

    His meanness sickens me – I’ve known men like that. The early episodes when he would forget his wallet. Ugh.

    • fatirah aziz says:

      yes, exactly Fidelma. His meanness goes past even being funny. I was always wanting Charlie to really kick his azz to the curb. Too bad they couldn’t replace him with Ashton Kucher; I could have tolerated that. He is so self righteous and smug.

    • Sarah says:

      He still forgets his wallet. I hate it when he walks in the theatre with arm loads of free food & stuffs his face.What about when he even tried”oh no I’ve left my wallet at home when he took Lyndsay out to dinner

      • fatirah aziz says:

        ..yeah, and then he goes. ‘I’ll get it next time!’ right! I don’t watch the shows much since Charlie is gone, only the reruns. I did see the one that was supposed to be at his Memorial service and that punk azz Alan is still trying to leech his way in by getting his mother to pay the bills, and using his son as bait!! No shame to his game.

  10. thomas says:

    alan harper is the biggest nerd asshole leach i’ve ever seen and his attitude towards his son is a reflection of his cockeyed stupid controlling attitude. he’s not only a nerd, troll, and waldo idiot on the show but in real life as well. and he’s jewish fyi, that’s why they didn’t let him go for the producers are jewish. i watch the show for jake and i also don’t like any of charlies so called girlfriends, they’re not women but liberal control freaks. and holland taylor who plays mom, is no better, she’s always talking about who she’s going to have sex with and it has to be a rich man, that really sucks. in real life she’s never married from what i’ve heard. i like walden the best despite he acts childish but is straight forward.

  11. Dalton says:

    My feelings are that Allan’s character was being a Yang to Charlies Yin; so just like the odd couple and other duals well… Allan has to be so different than Charlie to show the contrast. I mean it’s a Hollywood formula that works where one personality is bold, impulsive and alive and the other is uptight and got his or her morals bound up tight. Think of two broke girls where the brunette is the naughty adventurer and fun and flirty and free with her sexuality (Am I the ONLY one that just want’s to fuck her sooooo bad?) anyways and the ex wealthy blond was more reserved and uptight. I think the show should have ended with Charlie because Allan’s character is a lonely looser but so is Ashton’s and having two similar characters is weird and odd. People identified with and could relate to Charlies character better because of Allan’s views thus making Charlies character more real and lovable. I mean without Allan being dark, lonely and pathetic Charlie character would not shine. Someone mentioned JR from Dallas, well if JR wasn’t so toxic we wouldn’t have felt the other characters struggle and felt bad for them without JR constantly fucking with them.

    • fatirah says:

      Great critique Dalton. I was the one who mentioned J.R. and I agree that his horribleness made it possible to want the other characters to at least ‘win one’. But in the case of Alan Harper, he just has no redeeming qualities to me. None. He makes me sick when he preaches to Charlie about his hedonistic ways, in that supercilious way of his. All the while living in his house, eating his food, etc. I just can’t stand him really.

      • Dalton says:

        I agree fatirah and thanks for the positive statement. My view was Allan can’t get any more Yang to Charlies Yin. Allan is a total polar opposite and I think that makes the Charlie characters negatives seems enduring because of that contrast. You almost feel somewhat like Charlie is subconsciously being that way so he’d not end up a prude like his brother. If you wanna get a bit warped here I’m thinking Allan kinda represents the finger pointing social stigma of lots of society; Charlie represents freedom from that social condition. An example is a book like Nancy Fridays the secret garden which says because social conditioning makes women feel like they have to hide their passion around sexuality and act like they don’t like sex it makes that passion more strong and it comes out in freaky ways. That last one is Allan in a nutshell. No one likes to feel suppressed or limited and yet Charlie is open, free and fun without any care about what others.think. Charlie is unapologetically himself and is totally ok with that, he’s confident with his brokenness. Ok that’s a bit warped and deep but I really do think that if the Allan character wasn’t so much of a finger pointing, backstabbing, using idiot like some other people in our society with it’s double standards, quilt complexes and suppressed sexual appetite then we’d be more free like Charlie and THAT is why we find him so endearing. Ok I think your prob thinking what the hell is that Dalton smoking, Lol!!

      • fatirah aziz says:

        LOL! Whatever you’re smoking is cool with me Dalton. Between Charlie’s horrible haridan of a mother and the infestation of his home by that leech of a brother, it’s hard NOT to find him endearing. And I agree that he represents a certain freedom from hypocrisy. At times though, you see the caring side of him come out, like when he wants to let Jake stay there, sans the Leech. Since Charlie is coming back, they can close it down for all I care. Bah! Humbug! :)

  12. mikey says:

    Man do I agree..that character should have his throat slit. How anyone could play that character is beyond me. What an asshole.

  13. don says:

    They should change the name of the show from two and half men to the house of cards. The beach house is obviously the Center of the show

  14. fatirah aziz says:

    I don’t understand it either Mikey. This goes back to my point that Jon Cryer has to have personality similar to that in real life. He is the most self-serving, penny pinching, self-righteous, two-faced waste of human skin that’s on television!

    • Sarah says:

      Well Jon Cryer is like this in real life as his 1st wife took him to court for unpaid child support & his son in real life is called Charlie & he hadn’t paid his son’s school fees so the son was unable to go to camp with all the other kids.
      I hate him so much that my skin crawls during the show & my husband threatens to turn it off.But He didn’t even care when Charlie didn’t marry Mia because she wanted to kick Charlie out he didn’t bother when told. I wish Charlie ended up with Lyndsay that would have been great.

      • fatirah aziz says:

        OMG!!! I knew it!! I knew he had to be like that in real life!! Cheap and manipulative and punkified! My skin crawls too Sarah, and sometimes I just turn it off because I don’t want to watch his pathetic actions. Even his son (on tv, and I guess in real life too), knows he’s lame.I can’t figure how he managed to get Lindsay. He is not attractive in the least, looks or personality. So. He’s horrible in his real life and as the person he portrays. I hate those ugly shirts he wears, and basically, everything about him.

  15. glen says:

    Alan’s character grows more and more pathetic every episode, he is trying to hang onto a life that doesn’t want him which to some would be funny I guess but to me is just sad and annoying. Jake definitely should of finished a lot earlier as his character never developed into anything more than plot device. We now have Charlie’s so called daughter which is nothing more than a dirty sideshow going for even cheaper laughs.

  16. thomas says:

    this is my second reply, with walden scmidt now on the show is more interesting. i don’t like waldens live in girfriend Zoey, Sophia Winkleman, i don’t like the british for their the most arrogant on earth. alan is the most incredible fucking leech asshole i’ve ever seen and i can’t stand even looking at his face. the episode where alan has a mild heart attack is the perfect example of his leeching ways and he will never get his own place for living off others is his favorite way of business. and yes why does he always leave his wallet at home because he sucks like a fag. i simple putting it., I CAN’T STAND ALAN HARPER, THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE LEACH ON EARTH!

    • fatirah says:

      lDalton, I meant to write; ‘since Charlie ISN’T coming back…’ , but I guess you knew that? Thomas there aren’t enough negatives that I can think of to describe Alan’s terrible personality! How about when he burns down his girlfriends house and then drags the whole family back to Charlies? OMG I CAN’T STAND HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. Yannie Znayew says:

    Give Jon Cryer some credit for breathing enough life into a character to make you all react the way you do. In my books, that’s the sign of a damn good actor!

    • fatirah says:

      well Yannie, my whole point is that he is NOT that good an actor; that is his real personality bleeding through. He is thoroughly detestable on screen, and probably similar in his real life. Ugh!

  18. ronaldo says:

    The one thing i have the most about him though is he can’t stand up for himself against women!!! i mean against men is maybe acceptable sometimes but not women!! come on he just always have balls when he stands up to defend himself against charlie the guy who is keeping a roof over his head and feeding him! i mean how dare you shameless coward!

    • ronaldo says:

      hate* sorry!

      • fatirah says:

        I agree entirely Ronaldo! And he is forever calling Charlie names and and acting like he’s so much better than him! Makes me sick because Alan has no skills with females, he’s a punk, a liar, a cheapskate and a lousy human being.

  19. Tototally Agree says:

    I watched the first 2 seasons of this series and is starting to dislike Alan more and more.
    In my mind, he portraits an image of jealous hypocrite.

    Out of the odd episodes where he get “laid”, I don’t see him objecting to that. He always comments on Charles womanizing , but when he gets some, he sure seemed eager. Fine, he didn’t have any, so he wants some….. Upon watching this, I suspected deep down Alan is jealous that Charlie is richer, have a easier life and beautiful girl friends.

    I believed the first 2 season has few episode where Alan complete with Charlie for competes for a women, and showed him winning. When that happens, Alan seem to have an evil grin pestered on his face every time he think he wins (OMG, can’t he be a gracious winner?). During the competition, Alan uses all sorts of way to “cheat” his way to get the girl over Charlie; some tactics includes guilt trip Charlie, whining to Charles and tried to make Charlie looked bad in front of the girl. I mean I didn’t see Charlie did not play dirty or become sore loser.

    Then worst episode comes ( S2E23). I thought one thing that Alan has over Charlie is that he is a family man. But in that episode where Charlie and Alan leaves Jake at grandmother’s (Evelyn Harper) , it totally what Alan Harper really is. I remember that Evelyn guilt Alan into letting Jake staying with her. Then scene cut a the scene where Charlie and Alan at the bar discussing how they should rescue Jake. Just as they are about to do so, a group of hot women ( from some team??) came in and filled the pub. Immediately, Alan and Charlie lost the will to leave. Finally, when Charlie was reminded of how grandmother can emotionally scarred their grandchildren, he goes to Alan and express his worry. And what did Alan said? Alan refused and wanted to have group sex with those woman, claiming its the “greatest night of his life”. Charlie had to yank Alan out.

    At the point, it is finally proven, ALAN is a hypocrite.

  20. fatirah says:

    I totally agree! He has no redeeming qualities, nothing that makes him even a little endearing! He is a jealous, hypocritical,self-righteous,leech of an asshole!

  21. d man says:

    think its more Cryer himself that has put his own “leech of an asshole” into his role. He always been hanging on Carlles coat tails, even in his early years.

    • fatirah aziz says:

      I agree. Even after he married, and was divorced by the idiot Kandi, instead of going somewhere and finding his own place, the rat bastard runs back to Charlie. This is Jon Cryer’s real personality; that’s why it’s so easy for him to play the part!

    • Sarah says:

      nobody has mentioned about Charlie getting him a prostitute & she detested him so much she wouldn’t take his money just said ‘don’t ever call me again’ ‘he let her out and then bragged to everyone with his pathetic grin that she wouldn’t even take his money, he thought he was just so so good. And his teeth has anybody noticed his teeth now he looks like frigging bugs bunny what has he done to them.
      And the seniors club he goes every night and is able to get in because they don’t ask your age. BUT the latest oh the latest on Waldens jet all he eats is LOBSTER and he went out to dinner with Walden andZoey and bought the 2nd lobster home saying I REALLY THOUGHT I COULD EAT BOTH,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,OMG

      • fatirah aziz says:

        yes that show revealed him once again as the terrible person he is. I hate when he gets that smug look on his face when he thinks he’s gotten over on someone. The best show ever was when he went nuts and then came home to find Jake’s girlfriend was pregnant, Lindsay and Walden were now lovers, he got put out and had to live in his storage unit, (paid for by Walden), and then Herb comes by because he found out the baby is really Alan’s. He shoots him. I was so happy, but felt totally cheated when it was all a dream!!

  22. mikey says:

    He is an ungrateful thief and liar. He has stolen money from both his brother and son selling his brother s golf clubs on ebay. Stole his sons change jar to give to his whore candy. Goes through his brother s room and drawers and steals money. Freak should be killed throat slit. Jake’s a retarded moron. Both fucked up humans. It seems all of chaim lorres shows have fucked characters. Look at big gang bang theory. More fucking idiots.

    • fatirah says:

      Plus, after an argument with Charlie over his pennypinching ways, he had no shame actually moving in with his ex wife and her new husband!!!! Who does shit like that?!?!? He moves in with Lindsay, and sneaks Melissa into Charlies. He is probably what drove Charlie over the edge. I hate him and it’s too bad Charlie didn’t take Berta up on her offer when she said she knew someone who could make him disappear for $10 grand.

  23. thomas says:

    alan jerome harper is the most assinine cheap control jerk nerd freak i’ve ever seen, i can’t stand him and the show should have gone off the air when charlie died. this shoe really sucks now and with the advent of jennifer late charlies daughter being gay it really sucks. fire alan harper he is the most pathetic asshole on tv.

  24. Aj says:

    He used to be moralistic. After Charlie was replaced by Walden, Alan’s character has taken after him more with the sexual debauchery. Now all he seems to talk about is sex and how to get laid by hot women. Unfortunately… he doesn’t pull this off nearly as well as Charlie did.

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